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Song Details
Rank this week: 52
Duration: 3:47 
Release Date: 1969  (peterpuck9) 
Lyrics By: Monty Python (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: Traditional (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By: Ian MacNaughton (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Released By: Pye 12116 (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By: Kay-Gee-Bee Music Ltd. (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Licensing: BMI (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Keywords: CAROL CLEVELAND, GOATS, GUNS, RECURRING CHARACTERS, TRANSVESTITES 
Reviews:
Facts:
  • In this sketch, Eric Idle's sex obsessed 'Arthur Name' character who annoyed Terry Jones' pub goer with lots of sexual innuendo in the "Nudge Nudge" sketch from Ep. 3, returns to create more havoc in the final sequence of this show. (Stavro Arrgolus)
  • This sketch is featured in Episode 9 of "Monty Python's Flying Circus" TV show. (peterpuck9)
  • From the album "Monty Python's Flying Circus" (peterpuck9)
  • Song Lyrics:
    (Scene opens to a sitting room. Low sexy lighting - ha ha - soft sexy music. On the sofa are Victor (Graham Chapman) and Iris (Carol Cleveland) just beginning to make passes at each other.)
    Victor: Would you mind terribly if I hold your hand?

    Iris: Oh no, no, not at all.

    Victor: Oh Iris, you're so very beautiful.

    Iris: Oh, do you really mean that?

    Victor: I do, I do, I do. I think... I'm beginning to fall in love with you.

    Iris: Oh Victor.

    Victor: It's silly, isn't it?

    Iris: No, no, not at all, dear sweet Victor.

    Victor: No, I didn't mean that. Only just us being so close together for so many months in the soft-toy department and yet never daring to...

    Iris: Oh, oh Victor.

    Victor: Oh, Iris. (they move closer to kiss; just before their lips meet the doorbell goes) Who can that be?

    Iris: Oh, well you try and get rid of them.

    Victor: Yes I will, I will.

    (Victor opens the front door. Arthur Name (Eric Idle) is standing outside the door.)

    Arthur: Hello!

    Victor: Hello.

    Arthur: Remember me?

    Victor: No, I'm...

    Arthur: In the pub. The tall thin one with the moustache, remember? About three years ago?

    Victor: No, I don't I'm afraid.

    Arthur: Oh, blimey, it's dark in here, (switches light on) that's better. Only you said we must have a drink together sometime, so I thought I'd take you up on it as the film society meeting was canceled this evening.

    Victor: Look, to be frank, it is a little awkward this evening.

    Arthur: (stepping in; to Iris) Hello, I'm Arthur. Arthur Name. Name by name but not by nature. I always say that, don't I Vicky boy?

    Victor: Really...

    Arthur: (to Victor) Is that your wife?

    Victor: Er, no, actually.

    Arthur: Oh, I get the picture. Eh? Well, don't worry about me Vicky boy, I know all about one-night stands.

    Victor: I beg your pardon?

    Arthur: Mind if I change the record? (takes the record off)

    Victor: Look, look, we put that on.

    Arthur: Here's a good one, I heard it in a pub. What's brown, what's brown and sounds like a bell?

    Victor: I beg your pardon?

    Arthur: What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! Ha, ha, ha, that's a good one. I like that one, I won't keep you long. (the gramophone plays the 'Washington Post March' very loud) That's better, now don't worry about me. I'll wait here till you've finished.

    (The doorbell goes again.)

    Victor: Who the hell...

    Arthur: I'll get it. It'll be friends of mine. I took the liberty of inviting them along.

    Victor: Look, we were hoping to have a quiet evening on our own.

    Arthur: Oh, they won't mind. They're very broad-minded. Hello!

    (He opens the door; Mr. and Mrs. Equator (John Cleese & Terry Jones) walk in and go straight up to Victor.)

    Brian: Good evening. My name is Equator, Brian Equator. Like round the middle of the Earth, only with an L. (wheezing laugh) This is my wife Audrey, she smells a bit but she has a heart of gold.

    Audrey: Hello, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

    Victor: There must have been some kind of misunderstanding, because this is not the...

    Brian: Who's that then?

    Victor: What?

    Brian: Who's the bird?

    Victor: I'm...

    Brian: You got a nice pair there haven't you love. (puts hand on Iris's boobs and gives a wet kiss; Iris screams) Shut up you silly b***h, it was only a bit of fun.

    Victor: Now look here ...

    Brian: Big gin, please.

    Arthur: I'll get it.

    Victor: (going after Arthur) Look, leave those drinks alone.

    Audrey: And three tins of beans for me please.

    Brian: I told you to lay off the beans, you whore!

    Audrey: I only want three cans.

    Brian: Button your lip you rat-bag. (laughs uproariously)

    Audrey: (joins in) Ha, ha, ha, ha...

    Brian: It was rather witty, wasn't it? Where's my gin?

    (The doorbell goes.)

    Victor: Who the hell's that?

    Brian: Oh, I took the liberty of inviting an old friend along, as his wife has just passed away, and he's somewhat distraught poor chap. I hope you don't mind.

    Arthur: (opening door) Come on in.

    (In walks Mr Freight (Terry Gilliam) in underpants, sequins, eye make-up, white wellies, and necklace.)

    Mr Freight: Oh? My God, what a simply ghastly place.

    Brian: Not too good is it? A pint of crème de menthe for my friend. Well, how are you, you great poof? (sits down) Bit lumpy ...ah, no wonder, I was sitting on the cat. (throws it into fire)

    Iris: Aaaagh! Boo boo hooo.

    Mr Freight: I've asked along a simply gorgeous little man I picked up outside the Odeon.

    Brian: Is he sexy?

    (In walks Mr. Cook (Michael Palin) with a goat. Freight kisses him.)

    Mr Cook: I had to bring the goat, he's not well. I only hope he don't go on the carpet.

    Brian: (to Iris) Come on then love, drop 'em.

    Iris: Aaaaaaagh! (runs out)

    Brian: Blimey, she don't go much, do she.

    (He sits in chair which collapses.)

    Audrey: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oooooh! I've wet 'em!

    Mr Cook: The goat's just done a bundle.

    (A group of singers (The Fred Tomlinson Singers) run on, dressed as Welsh miners. All talk at once.)

    Victor: Look, get out all of you. Go on. Get out! Get t~ul!

    Brian: I beg your pardon?

    Victor: I'm turning you all out. I'm not having my house filled with filthy perverts, now look, I'm giving you just half a minute then I'm going to call the police, so get out.

    Brian: I don't much like the tone of your voice. (shoots him) Right. Let's have a ding dong...

    All: (singing) Ding dong merrily on high, in Heaven the bells are ringing etc...

    (peterpuck9)
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