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Rank this week: 40 (↑25)
Duration: 2:31 
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Direct from the Lorne Elliott website:

GRANNY GETS PLASTERED (Tonight's the Night)

Mom is out and Dad is out and we're here all alone
They said they'd phone at bedtime, so we unhooked the phone
They've taken the liquor cabinet key, but a crowbar works just as well
'Cause tonight's the night we're gonna get Granny plastered

We spiked her cup of tea with rum, and a twinkle came in her eye
"A glass of Sherry'd be nice", she said, so we spiked her sherry with rye
She throttled the bottle of whiskey with a cry of "What the Hell!"
It was a sight the night we got Granny plastered.

'Cause when Granny gets plastered, it is a disaster; she smokes, she sings, she swears
Her legs get all weavy, it's better than TV, she throws the piano downstairs.
But don't ever doubt it, the best thing about it, when Granny has had a few,
Is she doesn't like to drink alone, so she gets us plastered too.

She got out her records, seventy eights, but the stereo doesn't play
The speed they need till you wire it four forty but when it is done that way
It causes the records to burst into flames. Good the Aquarium was near.
The tropical fish don't like it when Granny gets plastered.

Our parents got home at midnight but by then she'd barred the door
So they went for the cops, but by then she'd fetched
And loaded the forty-four
She claimed she aimed above their heads, just her aim's not up to par
And what with the taxes she'd paid in her life,
They should cover the new squad car

Granny's been hungover, we've been grounded for a year
And Dad has caught religion
Since Mom started hittin' the beer
They sent Granny away for the rest of her days
To live in an old age home
Where she's doing quite well with her new clientèle
Since she opened that bar of her own
(beckandcallboy)
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