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Song Details
Rank this week: 52 (↑22)
Duration: 4:10 
Release Date: 1971  (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Lyrics By: Monty Python (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: Monty Python (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By: Jones/Palin (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Released By: Charisma (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By: Kay-Gee-Bee Music Ltd. (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Licensing: BMI (Stavro Arrgolus) 
  • This album version of this sketch differed slightly than the the one shown in Ep. 17 of 'Flying Circus'. After Mr. Wiggin's (Cleese's) tirade, we get a revisit from the Spanish Inquisition. (Stavro Arrgolus)
  • Song Lyrics:
    MR. TID: Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions for the design of this architectural block, the residential block, and I thought it best that the architects themselves came in to explain the advantages of both designs.

    (knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock)

    That must be the first architect now. Ah, yes. It's Mr. Wiggin of Ironside and Malone.

    MR. WIGGIN: Good morning, gentlemen. Uh, this is a twelve-storey block combining classical neo-Georgian features with all the advantages of modern design. Uhh, the tenants arrive in the entrance hall here, are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these large contai--

    CITY GENT #1: Excuse me.

    MR. WIGGIN: Hmm?

    CITY GENT #1: Uh, did you say 'knives'?

    MR. WIGGIN: Uh, rotating knives. Yes.

    CITY GENT #2: Are you, uh, proposing to slaughter our tenants?

    MR. WIGGIN: Does that not fit in with your plans?

    CITY GENT #1: No, it does not. Uh, we-- we wanted a... simple... block of flats.

    MR. WIGGIN: Ahh, I see. I hadn't, uh, correctly divined your attitude...

    CITY GENT #: Uh, huh huh.

    MR. WIGGIN: ...towards your tenants.

    CITY GENT #: Huh huh.

    MR. WIGGIN: You see, I mainly design slaughterhouses.

    CITY GENT #1: Yes. Pity.

    MR. WIGGIN: Mind you, this is a real beaut. I mean, none of your blood caked on the walls and flesh flying out of the windows inconveniencing passers-by with this one. I mean, my life has been building up to this.

    CITY GENT #2: Yes, and well done, huh, but we did want a block of flats.

    MR. WIGGIN: Well, may I ask you to reconsider? I mean, you wouldn't regret it. Think of the tourist trade.

    CITY GENT #1: No, no, it's-- it's just that we wanted a block of flats and not an abattoir.

    MR. WIGGIN: Yes, well, that's the sort of blinkered, philistine pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome, spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's curse for the struggling artist. You excrement! You whining, hypocritical toadies, with your color TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding masonic secret handshakes! You wouldn't let me join, would you, you blackballing bastards! Well, I wouldn't become a Freemason now if you went down on your lousy, stinking knees and begged me!

    CITY GENT #2: Well, we're sorry you feel like that, but we, um, did... want... a block of flats. Nice, though, the abattoir is. Huh huh.

    MR. WIGGIN: Oh, sod the abattoir. That's not important, but if one of you could put in a word for me, I'd love to be a Freemason. Freemasonry opens doors. I mean, um, I-- I was a bit on edge just now, but-- but if I was a mason, I'd just sit at the back and not get in anyone's way.

    CITY GENT #1: Thank you.

    MR. WIGGIN: I've got a second-hand apron.

    CITY GENT #2: Thank you.

    MR. WIGGIN: I nearly got in at Hendon.

    CITY GENT #1: Thank you.

    CITY GENT #2: there anyone else to see?

    MR. TID: Yes, there's the Spanish Inquisition

    CITY GENT #2: Er..I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition

    (they burst in)

    XIMINEZ : Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise, that's all. Just surprise.

    MR. TID: What about fear?

    XIMINEZ : Oh yes, yes alright. Surprise and fear.

    CITY GENT #2: and a fanatical...

    XIMINEZ: Shut up!

    CITY GENT #2: Sorry...

    XIMINEZ: Right, you are accused of heresy on three counts. Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed and heresy by eff, four, four counts. Now you have one last chance- confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the, two last chances and you shall be free, three last chances. You have three last chances. Unrighteous do you plead? Ha ha ha ha....(long pause) Where has everybody gone? (pause) Cardinal Fang, Car-din-al Fang!

    (door opening)

    FANG: Sorry my lord, I was just having a cup of tea with these architects..

    XIMINEZ: Shut up.

    FANG : They've got these lovely little chocolate cakes with silver balls..

    XIMINEZ: Shut up!

    FANG : ..and these goodies with these with these little... (fades out to the sound of clinking cutlery and murmur of voices)
    (Stavro Arrgolus)
    Current Rating 9.2 (1 vote)
    Played on 1 show:
    06-26-14, #MMS-187
    = Show you can listen to online
    Song Images:
    Messages about the song: "The Architect"
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