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Song Details
Release Date: 11/30/2010  (DJ Particle) 
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  • A 'choose your own adventure' song. The song changes depending on what choices the listener makes. (DJ Particle)
  • Song Lyrics:
    Due to the structure of this song, the lyrics are a bit hard to transcribe. The numbers in parenthesis at the end of each verse indicate which verse follows if you select that option.

    You ought to get your hair cut,
    It’s getting awfully hippie-like.
    The barber closes soon,
    You’d better make it zippy like
    A cheeta, sporting some Adidas,
    So you run from here to there.
    As the wind blows through your hair,
    Suddenly you stop.
    Perhaps you like your mop?
    Now we’ve got to know,
    Do you chop it off? (2.1)
    Or do you scoff and let it grow? (2.2)

    You run into the store,
    and meet with Mr. Barber.
    As he starts to cut your hair,
    The fellow seems to harbor
    An improper eagerness to chop your ears off.
    Suddenly those dull
    Scissors jam into your skull.
    The man says “oopsie-daisy.
    Some times my hands go crazy!”
    Blood begins to spout.
    Do you go to the hospital? (3.1)
    Or try to pull the scissors out? (3.2)

    You stick it to the man, then.
    Don’t cut your hair, don’t even shave.
    You are now a hippie!
    You find yourself a sign to wave
    At protests, fighting for the oppressed people,
    Animals, and trees,
    But the system disagrees.
    Violence is transpiring!
    Cops are open firing,
    Riots all around.
    Do you run away? (3.3)
    Or do you stay and hold your ground? (3.4)

    You run right out the door,
    And over to the hospital.
    Into the waiting room,
    Which looks just like a moshpit full
    Of bleeders, flipping through a Reader’s Digest.
    You queue up in line
    Behind some guy who broke his spine.
    Later in the story,
    Your doctor is Hugh Laurie.
    Well, you’ve gotta laugh.
    Should he fix your head? (4.1)
    Or should you get his autograph? (4.2)

    You firmly yank the scissors.
    They’re stuck no matter how you strain,
    But now you’re feeling tingly.
    It seems their presence in your brain
    Releases your telekinesis powers.
    If you so desire,
    Objects float or catch on fire.
    This psychic potential
    Could prove consequential.
    Eh, well, what the hell?
    Now you wonder, should
    You use it for good (4.3) or for evil? (4.4)

    You shriek and run away
    Like a little pansy, and
    You move into the woods,
    To live like a chimpanzee.
    Back to nature, but you find
    You hate your neighbors.
    Mostly, it’s the bears.
    Can’t they mind their own affairs?
    They’ve got you surrounded.
    Now you’re quite confounded.
    What is this about?
    Do you try to fight? (4.5)
    Or just politely talk things out? (4.6)

    You make it through the riots.
    The public wants your story told,
    And so you write a book.
    The sales come and lo and behold
    It’s caught on, earning you a spot on Oprah!
    She just smiles and winks.
    Looks like she’s had several drinks.
    Halfway through the show,
    Oprah lets you know
    She must have you now.
    Do you slap her in the face? (4.7)
    Or do you bow-chicka-chicka-wow-wow? (4.8)

    Hugh Laurie starts to scream
    “We have to operate!”
    He calls upon his team,
    There’s no time to sedate.
    With his charming smirk,
    He begins to go to work.
    But there’s one forgotten factor:
    Hugh Laurie’s just an actor.
    Turns out, he’s insane.
    Thanks to him, you’re dead.
    He opened up your head
    And then he ran off with your brain.

    “Would you be so kind,”
    You timidly request,
    If he wouldn’t mind,
    To autograph your breast.
    Laurie signs with grace,
    Then he draws a happy face.
    Quickly, with no delay,
    You put it up on Ebay,
    But to no success.
    Your auction gets removed.
    Ebay says that you
    Violated their terms of service.
    Oh no.

    You spend all your time,
    Even Friday nights,
    Beating up on crime,
    Wearing spandex tights.
    Now everyone’s a fan
    Of the psychic scissor man.
    Now your making millions
    Defeating super villains,
    But beneath the fame,
    And beneath the cape,
    There is no escaping from your
    Secret shame.

    Quickly you embark
    On a trail of hate.
    Creeping in the dark,
    Twisting mankind’s fate.
    Now the whole world’s in your palms.
    Activate the atom bombs!
    Several seconds after,
    You erupt in laughter,
    Quite maniacally.
    “Ha ha ha ha ha
    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
    Ha ha hee hee.”

    You’re prepared to fight.
    The wretched beasts attack.
    They bear their teeth and bite,
    But you bite them back.
    Soon you’ve killed them all,
    All but one, who’s much too small.
    And since you’re not a brute,
    And since that cub’s so cute,
    You adopt him as a son.
    And then that bear and you
    Realize a new
    Adventure’s just begun.

    So you ask them why
    We can’t just get along.
    And the bears reply,
    “You’ve got us all wrong.
    We come from up there,
    From a place called Planet Bear.”
    On their ship they take you
    To their home and make you
    King of all the bears.
    And that seals the deal,
    Proving God is real
    And that he listened to
    Your prayers.

    You slap Oprah’s face.
    At once, her loyal staff
    Start spraying you with mace,
    And Oprah starts to laugh.
    As the audience
    Overtakes you in defense
    Of their lovely hostess,
    Now your ass is toast. Yes,
    Sorry my dear friend.
    I guess you’re gonna die.
    You’d better say goodbye
    Because this is
    The end.
    You suck.

    You and Oprah kiss.
    The audience goes wild.
    Voyeuristic bliss.
    Suddenly, you’re piled
    On the studio floor.
    Now it starts to get hardcore.
    On live television,
    Passionate collision,
    Evidential love,
    Genuine romance.
    Maybe there’s a chance
    That you and Oprah
    Are in love.
    Current Rating 9.5 (3 votes)
    Song Images:
    Messages about the song: "Haircut"
    DJ Particle   Offline  -  Moderator, Artist & D.J.  -  12-06-10 12:41 PM  -  10 years ago
    DJs: The uploaded clip of "Haircut" is based on the copy I played on "Revenge" on 12/3.
    Bob Guest   Offline  -  Artist  -  12-03-10 12:13 PM  -  10 years ago
    Sort of like Mad's "Super Spectacular Day"... only more complicated.
    Max DeGroot   Offline  -  Artist  -  12-03-10 11:14 AM  -  10 years ago
    It's a binary tree. Only one first verse, two second verses, four third verses, and eight fourth verses.

    My guess the mean run time is around 4 minutes.
    weirdojace   Offline  -  Artist & D.J.  -  12-02-10 11:14 PM  -  10 years ago
    All the different pieces totaled up creates 16 minutes and 2 seconds of audio.
    DJ Particle   Offline  -  Moderator, Artist & D.J.  -  11-30-10 06:02 PM  -  10 years ago
    No running time - running time varies based on the listener's choices
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    Song samples are provided for information purposes only and are intended to enable the users to sample the music (as they are in very low quality) before they take the decision of purchasing the music. This right is expressly permitted under "Fair Use" as nonprofit educational purposes only. The ownership of the copyright of the songs rests with the respective owners.

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