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Song Details
Duration: 4:24 
Release Date: 1960  (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Lyrics By: Peter Cook (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: N/A (Stavro Arrgolus) 
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Song Lyrics:
(a theatrical producer's office)


Peter:
Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send in the next auditioner, please. Mr. Spigott, I believe it is.

(Enter Dudley, hopping energetically on one leg)

Peter: Mr. Spigott, I believe?

Dudley: Yes — Spigott by name, Spigott by nature. (keeps hopping)

Peter: Yes... if you'd like to remain motionless for a moment, Mr. Spigott. Please be stood. Now, Mr. Spigott you are, I believe, auditioning for the part of Tarzan?

Dudley: Right.

Peter: Now, Mr. Spigott, I couldn't help noticing almost at once that you are a one-legged person.

Dudley: You noticed that?

Peter: I noticed that, Mr. Spigott. When you have been in the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now, Mr. Spigott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan — a role which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged actor.

Dudley: Correct.

Peter: And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.

Dudley: Right.

Peter: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.

Dudley: Very true.

Peter: Well, Mr. Spigott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?

Dudley: Yes, I think you ought to.

Peter: Need I say with overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.

Dudley: The leg division?

Peter: Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spigott. You are deficient in it — to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said ‘A lovely leg for the role.’ I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is — neither have you. You fall down on your left.

Dudley: You mean it's inadequate?

Peter: Yes, it's inadequate, Mr. Spigott. And, to my mind, the British public is not ready for the sight of a one-legged ape-man swinging through the jungly tendrils.

Dudley: I see.

Peter: However, don't despair. After all, you score over a man with no legs at all. Should a legless man come in here demanding the role, I should have no hesitation in saying ‘Get out. Run away’.

Dudley: So there's still a chance?

Peter: There is still a very good chance. If we get no two-legged actors in here within the next two months, there is still a very good chance that you'll land this vital role. Failing two-legged actors, you, a unidexter, are just the sort of person we shall be attempting to contact telephonically.

Dudley: Well... thank you very much.

Peter: So my advice is, to hop on a bus, go home, and sit by your telephone in the hope that we will be getting in touch with you.

(He shows Dudley out)

Peter: I'm sorry I can't be more definite, but as you realize, it's really a two-legged man we're after. Good morning Mr. Spigott.
(Stavro Arrgolus)
One Leg Too Few(View Larger)

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Current Rating 9.6 (2 votes)
Played on 1 show:
01-22-11, #MMS-139
= Show you can listen to online
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