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Song Details
Rank this week: 30 (↑6)
Duration: 4:02 
Release Date: 1983  (sfjpk30) 
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Song Lyrics:
Thomas: I'm floating...mists, clouds, up...where am I?
St. Peter: Welcome, stranger, to the Pearly Gates.
Thomas: I'm in Heaven!
St. Peter: No, you're at the Pearly Gates. Name?
Thomas: Thomas Hatten.
St. Peter: Cause of death?
Thomas: Corned beef.
St. Peter: Those fatty foods.
Thomas: Oh, no, I worked in a butcher shop, and a side of frozen beef fell on my head. You know...
St. Peter: Thomas Hatten, you say...Hammond...Hastings...ah, here it is. Mm-hmm.
Thomas: Well?
St. Peter: Well, according to the celestial registry, you've been a good man. You may enter the Kingdom of Heaven and live for eternity at His side.
Thomas: Thank you!
St. Peter: Enter and join your fellow Presbyterians.
Thomas: Oh, I'm Catholic, not Presbyterian.
St. Peter: Oh, well then, go to Hell.
Thomas: But wait a minute, you just said I could go to Heaven.
St. Peter: Well, the Kingdom of Heaven is for those who have followed the one true path.
Thomas: Presbyterians?
St. Peter: Presbyterians.
Thomas: Wh-wh-what about Catholics and Mennonites and others who lived faithfully by the tenets of their religion?!
St. Peter: They blew it--next?
Thomas: No-no-now wait! Wait, I attended mass, I took communion, I went to confession again and again!
St. Peter: Waste of time; you might as well have stayed home Sundays and watched Red Fisher. He's Presbyterian.
Thomas: And to think the Jews claimed they were God's chosen people.
St. Peter: Oh, that was years ago. No, the Lord's finicky.
Thomas: Finicky?
St. Peter: Well, it was the Jews for a few thousand years, and God got into Muslims, 'cause He liked their hats; then, when they started slicing off hands, God went with Zen, then there was the Hopi Indians and the Aztecs for a while
Thomas: What about us Catholics?
St. Peter: Oh, He never liked them. The closest He got was the Anglicans, 'cause He liked Henry VIII's sense of humor.
Thomas: You know, God seems awfully indecisive.
St. Peter: Yeah, I guess so, He's like Nelson Skalbania, but with more money.
Thomas: So anyone who isn't a Presbyterian goes to Hell?
St. Peter: No, no, Baptists go to Purgatory.
Thomas: Oh, God likes Baptists?
St. Peter: No, God likes to get their hopes up. Then, just when they figure they're in, dispatched to the nether regions.
Thomas: Wow.
St. Peter: And God never forgave the Mormons for the Osmonds.
Thomas: But why, why Presbyterians?
St. Peter: Because they're nice.
Thomas: Nice?
St. Peter: Nice--God's old, He doesn't want trouble.
Thomas: Catholics are nice, too.
St. Peter: Have you ever heard of a Presbyterian holy war.
Thomas: Well, no.
St. Peter: No, because Presbyterians don't go in for them, they don't condemn this or that from their fiery pulpits.
Thomas: Well, wait, hold on a second. Isn't the Ulster Defence League Presbyterian?
St. Peter: No.
Thomas: I think they are, I think they are.
St. Peter: Well, I'm not sure...I'll...go check. Might have to go back to the Aztecs. Why don't you just wait in Purgatory 'til I find this out, okay?
Thomas: With the Baptists? No, thanks--I'll wait in Limbo. (Opens door, limbo music plays) Get back to me on this real soon, I'm counting on heavenly salvation.
St. Peter: Right, who isn't? Duck! (Door closes) Next! Name, please?
Saul: Saul Libinowitz.
St. Peter: Religion?
Saul: Uh...Presbyterian.
St. Peter: Enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
Saul: Shalom...whoops.
St. Peter: What?
Current Rating 10.0 (2 votes)
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Messages about the song: "Heaven Is For Presbyterians"
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