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Song Details
Rank this week: 27 (↓1)
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DM: Galstaff, are you sure you've decided to haggle with the blacksmith?
Galstaff: Yes, and I'm using my Ring of Charms, which adds a +10 to all convincing rolls.
DM: You don't have to remind me. (rolls dice) You seem to have convinced the blacksmith to lower the price of the sword.
Galstaff: Rock and roll! I use the sword.
DM: What do you mean, you use it?
Galstaff: I swing it around to see if it's magical.
DM: Wha...you can't tell if a sword is magical by swinging it. It's not...
Galstaff: I know.
DM: It's not a lightsaber.
Galstaff: Well, whatever. However, I'm supposed to find out if it's magical.
DM: It's called a detect magic spell.
Galstaff: I didn't want to use that up.
DM: Well, say you slept for six hours after you cast it.
Galstaff: Okay, detect magic.
DM: It's not magical.
Galstaff: Dude! He said it was a magical sword.
DM: He was lying.
Galstaff: He said he never tells a lie.
DM: He was lying when he said that.
Galstaff: Dude.
Nightblade: Hey, hey, hey, look who brought the Mountain Dew!
DM: Yeah!
Galstaff: Right on!
Nightblade: (singing) Fly by night of Mountain Dew, Mountain Dew for you...
DM: Galstaff, as you are standing in a dirt road swinging a very unmagical sword, you see the strangest sight. A halfling thief is walking towards you singing "Fly by Night"
Galstaff: Nightblade!
Nightblade: Hey, hey, hey
DM: It's Nightblade the halfling thief, and he's carrying a 12-pack of Mountain Dew.
Galstaff: No way! His character's carrying Mountain Dew too?
DM: If I roll a 10 or above, then yes. (rolls dice) Eleven. Here's your character, Nightblade. Where's Picard the Elvin Ranger?
Nightblade: He's coming, and he's bringing his girlfriend.
Galstaff: And your point is?
Nightblade: Well, she's gonna wanna play.
DM: Fine, she can play. Anyone can play. We're a Brown Deer High School-endorsed activity with membership open to the student body. I don't care if Greg Erdman wants to play, if he brings his own dice. If Sara Doheeny wants to play Advanced Dungeons and Dragons with us, she can play Titania.
Galstaff: Ooooh.
Nightblade: Isn't that your character?
DM: It's not my character, I'm the DM. Sometimes I have to send non-player characters along with you to provide vital information.
Nightblade: Yeah, but it seems like mostly you just end up talking through Titania.
DM: Whatever. Now we have a girl to play Titania.
Picard: Hey, guys, what's up. Hey, Sara, do you know everybody here?
Sara: I'm in Biology with Scott.
Galstaff: Galstaff!
Sara: And you're...
Galstaff: He's Nightblade.
Nightblade: Jeremy.
Galstaff: And Graham.
DM: Are you going to play D&D with us?
Sara: I don't really know the rules.
Picard: Listen, there aren't any rules. It's a game of the imagination.
Sara: Oh, okay.
DM: This is your character sheet--your name is Titania.
Sara: I don't know what any of this stuff means.
Picard: I'll help you.
Sara: Okay.
DM: Well, it's way after 4:00, so can we get started. (Various affirmative responses) Nightblade, you've been chatting with Galstaff in the village road and you now see Picard the Elvin Ranger approaching.
Picard: And Titania.
DM: Well she's not here.
Sara: Where am I?
DM: Titania, you are in darkness.
Sara: Is there anything here?
DM: You're in darkness.
Sara: Oh...I turn on the light.
DM: Yeah, Thomas Edison appears in front of you and says, "idiot, I haven't been born yet."
Sara: I attack him with my sword. What?
Galstaff: He's not really there. That's DM magic.
Sara: What?
Picard: It's a joke, Sara.
Sara: I don't get it.
Picard: Come on, Graham, you're confusing her.
Nightblade: I'm gonna go to the snack machine.
DM: Wait, you guys are in the village.
Nightblade: Hey, I can still hear you. Let's go to the tavern!
DM: Nightblade is wandering off to the tavern.
Picard: As usual--Nightblade always goes to the tavern.
Sara: So...am I still in darkness?
Picard: Maybe you should light a torch.
Nightblade: Does anyone have another quarter?
Sara: I light a torch.
DM: Very good. You are in a room, but no more helping.
Sara: What's in the room?
DM: Nothing.
Sara: I go to the door.
DM: There's no door.
Picard: Graham!
DM: The characters were in a certain place at a certain time at the end of the last adventure. I can't put her on a fluffy cloud just because she's your girlfriend.
Picard: Well, where is she?
DM: If you can't remember, then your character can't remember.
Picard: Well my character casts a locate person spell.
DM: (rolls dice) She's on the fifth sublevel of the Queen of Spiders' dungeon, remember?
Picard: Oh brother.
Nightblade: Am I in the tavern yet?
DM: Yes!
Nightblade: Does anyone have an extra quarter, because otherwise I gotta get Funyuns.
Picard: Galstaff!
Galstaff: Yes, my friend of steady arrow and ready wit.
Picard: We have to rescue Titania!
Galstaff: I will accompany you if you kill the blacksmith that sold me this sword.
Sara: Yeah, kill the blacksmith. That sounds fun.
DM: Don't kill the blacksmith, that's stupid.
Picard: So, what, are we doing it wrong now? He told me to kill the blacksmith, I kill the blacksmith.
DM: But your character wouldn't do that.
Picard: What makes you such an expert?
DM: The blacksmith turns into a dragon and eats you!
Picard: Huh.
Nightblade: The Funyuns are stuck in the machine!
Sara: I'm gonna go home--I'm just in the stupid dark room anyway.
Picard: Sara, wait, don't go!
Sara: Call me later, okay?
Picard: Okay. What the hell's your problem?
DM: What's yours?
Picard: I don't know what you're talking about.
DM: Yeah right! Don't get mad at me just because your girlfriend didn't have a good time; for God's sake, this is Advanced, Mark.
Picard: Advance this!
DM: Shut up!
Picard: Oh, that's creative.
DM: I'm not worried about my creativity, Mark, I'm the Dungeon Master. I control worlds, universes. Every potion you drink, I mixed. Every magic item you find, I put it there. Do you remember when you killed that hill giant?
Picard: I rolled a 20, double damage.
DM: You rolled a 19, Mark. I fudged it. That giant would've killed you, man, but I admired your spark. You wanted it so badly, so I helped because I wanted to, and I help people when I want to, and right now you're roasting in the hot belly of a platinum dragon, so why don't you ask yourself where your priorities lie.
Nightblade: Are we still playing?
Picard: Yeah.
Galstaff: In that case, Galstaff casts a friendship spell on both of you.
Nightblade: Friendship? What kind of gayness is that?
Galstaff: Shut up, Nightgayde!
Nightblade: I'm not gay, I was in the tavern with wenches.
Galstaff: Yeah, male gay wenches.
Nightblade: Like you!
DM: You guys, shut up! Titania is here.
Picard: Titania?
DM: She says, "what?"
Picard: How did you get out of the dungeons.
DM: I turned my bag of holding inside-out, wrapped it around me, and walked through the dungeon walls.
Picard: You can do that?
DM: It's all in the dice.
Picard: Well, let's go on an adventure.
DM: Shouldn't we get Sara?
Picard: No. You play Titania.
DM: Titania gives you a crystal. She says, "anytime you need me, you can use this."
Nightblade: Um...are you guys being funny.
Galstaff: Eeewww.
(jzummak)
HyperLink  
Current Rating 10.0 (1 vote)
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