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Song Details
Rank this week: 16 (↑64)
Duration: 5:30 
Release Date: 1991  (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Lyrics By: Bill Hicks (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: N/A (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By: Peter Casperson (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Released By: Invasion/Rykodisc (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By: ¬©Arizona Bay Production Company (Stavro Arrgolus) 
  • This bit is the original version from the "Dangerous" album. The premise was a recurring theme for Hicks and there's a version of this bit on much of his work. (Stavro Arrgolus)
  • This is the bit that's said to have had its material, concepts and attitude stolen by -and built the career of- Denis Leary. (Stavro Arrgolus)
  • Song Lyrics:
    So...smokers? Thank you guys. Just smoke away, huh? Don't worry about us. Ha..kay. How many smokers do we have here tonight? Smokers? (smattering of acknowledgment) Hoo boy. Listen to that energy they can pump out at will, hah? (cough! hack! wheeze...) Thank you guys. That was a valiant effort on your parts. Listen to many non-smokers do we have here tonight? Non-smokers? (more noise than before, Hicks pulls out cigarettes and says:) Hear that? Bunch of whinin' little maggots, aren't they? Obnoxious, self-righteous slugs. I'd quit smoking if I didn't think I'd become one of them.

    The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones where you're smokin' and they just walk up to ya- (fake cough) I always say, "Shoot, you're lucky you don't smoke. 'T's a helluva cough, dude. I smoke all day and don't cough like that. Maybe you were conceived with a weak sperm. Maybe your dad was jackin' off and your mom sat on it at the last second." Did I overreact? Didn't, did I. I think that's kinda cruel- I'm smokin' and you come up coughin' at me? Jesus! Do you go up to crippled people dancin' too, you fucks? "Well hey, Mr. Wheelchair. What's the problem? C'mon, Ironside! Race ya!" You ******' sadist! I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die. Deal? Thank you, America!

    People say, "I-i-i-it's not that, it's the secondary smoke. It's not the smoke that you smoke, but the smoke that comes out of you. That's called secondary smoke. And that's not good smoke just 'cause it came out of you.." Shut the f**k up right now! Goddammit, if I don't smoke, there's gonna be secondary bullets comin' yer way! Ya understand this? I'm ******' tense! Alright? Thank you! I've been on a ******' flying saucer tour for three months! Thank you. Hope you don't mind if I just enjoy my cig.

    I love when people in New York City complain about your smoking. Idn't that great? These people are standing ankle deep in dog links straddlin' a dead guy, y'know. Apparently, my cigarette's ******' up the delicate balance of nature here. "Oh, this is botherin' you, oh..lemme go over here to this pile of bum dung and put this out...there we go.. Restore New York to that pristine state we know it exists in..if it weren't for my godawful cigarette!"

    How much do you smoke a day, dude? Pack and a half? You little puss! Why don't you just put a dress on and swish around for us? "Pack and a half..I smoke a pack and a half.." Makes me ill. I go through two lighters a day, dude. I'm startin' to feel it. Uhh, s**t. But I do have this big fear, right. Doing smoking jokes in my act? Showin' up five years from now goin', (puts mike against throat to simulate electronic voice box) "Good evening everybody. Remember me? Y'all were right! Smokin's bad!" Y'ever see that? Lemme tell you something. If you're smoking out of a hole in your neck...I'd think about quittin'. I would. And that's just me. Y'know. See once again, I'm not bein' stringent with the rule of thumb.

    What's cool is every pack has a different Surgeon General's warning. Idn't that great? Mine say, "Warning! Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth" f**k it! Hahaha. Found my brand. Just don't get the ones that say "lung cancer", y'know. Shop around, man. "Yeah, gimme a carton of 'low birth weights'. What the f**k do I care."

    "Cigarette smoke contains carbon monoxide." Well, so does my car and it still ******' runs, so... See, I smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs. Y'know, can I smoke? Can I? ...Like a ******' fiend, I can.
    (Stavro Arrgolus)
    Current Rating 10.0 (1 vote)
    Played on 1 show:
    11-14-13, #ISGD-13-48
    = Show you can listen to online
    Song Images:
    Messages about the song: "Smoking"
    Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  07-07-17 04:08 AM  -  2 years ago

    Bugger all.

    The links in the 7 year old post were broken until just now. It's because they were using the site's old name (well, one of them, anyway) and had to be altered to what the name is now.

    There's likely a whole mess of these floating around to fix...

    Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  08-25-09 04:58 AM  -  10 years ago
    Did Denis Leary steal this bit to kickstart his career? Contrast & compare...

    The other bit cited as proof of theft- the one with the Jim Fixx references- is on Bill Hicks' "Relentless" album-
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