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Song Details
Reagan's Gang, Church People And American Values 
By: George Carlin
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Rank this week: 35 (↑20)
Duration: 11:40 
Release Date: 8/15/1988  (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Lyrics By: George Carlin (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: George Carlin (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By: George Carlin (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Released By: Eardrum 90972-1 (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By: Dead Sea Music Inc. (Stavro Arrgolus) 
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Keywords: CHURCH, POLITICS, REAGAN, TOPICAL, WAR 
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Song Lyrics:
All right. Hey there. Is it going all right? Thank you. Thank you everybody. Hello. Hi ya. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi ya. All right thank you. I appreciate that. I’d like to begin tonight by thanking you for being here and thanking everybody at Manny’s for helping us find our way down here. And I’d like to start. Oh I’m sorry.

This a lively group we have here and a good sized audience too. I want to mention that this is probably… I have… I really haven’t seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration. Yeah. Yeah. 225 of them so far. 225 different people in the Ronald Reagan administration have either quit, been fired, been arrested, indicted or convicted of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code. 225 of them and Edwin Meese alone… Edwin Meese alone has been investigated by 3 separate special prosecutors and there’s a fourth one waiting for him in Washington right now. 3 separate special prosecutors have had to look into the activities of the attorney general. And the attorney general is the nation’s leading law enforcement officer. See that’s what you got to remember this is the Ronald Reagan administration were talking about. These are the law and order people. These are the people who are against street crime. They want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. There against street crime …yeah… there against street crime providing that street isn’t Wall Street.

And the Supreme Court decided about a year ago that it’s all right to put people in jail now if we just think they’re going to commit a crime. It’s called preventive detention. All you got to do now is just think they’re going to commit a crime. Well if we’d of known this s**t 7 or 8 years ago we could have put a bunch of these Republican motherfuckers directly into prison. Yeah. Put them in the joint where they belong and we could have saved the money of putting these country club pinheaded assholes on trial.

Another thing you’ve got to remember this is the group of people who are elected with the help of the Moral Majority. Elected with the help of the Moral Majority and the Teamsters Union. That’s a good combination. Organized religion and organized crime working together to help build a better America.

Another thing, keep in mind these Reagan people are the ones that were going to get government off our back. Remember that? That was the rhetoric of the 1980 campaign. We’ll get government off your backs and out of your lives. Yeah, but they still want to tell you what magazines you can read and they still want to tell you what rock lyrics you can listen to and they still want to force your kids to pray in school and they still want to tell you what you can say on the radio.

The FCC, the Federal Communications Commission, decided all by itself that radio and television were the only 2 parts of American life not protected by the free speech provisions of the First Amendment to the Constitution. I’d like to repeat that because it sounds vaguely important. The FCC, an appointed body, not elected, answerable only to the president, decided on its own that radio and television were the only 2 parts of American life not protected by the First Amendment to the Constitution why did they decide that? Because they got a letter from a minister in Mississippi. A Reverend Donald Wildman in Mississippi heard something on the radio that he didn’t like. Well Reverend did anyone ever tell you there are 2 knobs on the radio? 2 knobs on the radio. Of course I’m sure the Reverend isn’t that comfortable with anything that has 2 knobs on it. But hey, Reverend, there are 2 knobs on the radio. One of them turns the radio off and the other one...changes the station. Imagine that, Reverend. You can actually change the station. It’s called Freedom of Choice and it’s one of the principles this country was founded upon. Look it up in the library Reverend if you have any of them left when you finish burning all the books.

And I don’t know how you feel about it but I am getting pretty sick and tired of these f***ing church people. I have just about had it with these f***ing church people, all of them. You know what I say we ought to do with these churches? Tax them. Tax these motherfuckers. If they’re so interested in politics and government policy and public policy let them pay their admission price like everybody else. Tax them. Hey the Catholic Church alone could wipe out the federal budget deficit. If all you did was tax them on their real estate holdings.

And speaking of real estate holdings let’s get back to Ronald Reagan and his criminal gang. When last we left them they were going to get government off our backs. Yeah but when it comes to abortion they don’t mind government being in a woman’s uterus do they? Yeah, backs are no good but a uterus’ okay by them. These people call themselves "right to lifers." Don’t you love that phrase and don’t you love the way these kinds of people pervert the English language, “Right to Lifers.” You realize that most of the Right to Lifers are in favor of the DEATH penalty and they support the South American DEATH Squads and they’re against gun control and they’re against nuclear weapons control. When they say right to life their talking about THEIR right to decide which people should live or die.

[applause]

So these right-wingers you know… so these Reagan people, these right-wingers in general, these cryptofascists there against homosexuality. They’re against pornography. They’re against sex education. They’re against abortion. Yeah, they’re going to get government off your back but they're going to tell you how to live your sex life and let me ask you this. How would they know anything about it? Have you ever taken a look at those people? No wonder they're afraid of their bodys. Take a look at them. Doesn’t it strike you as mildly ironic that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to f**k in the first place? Doesn’t that strike you as a little strange?

Hey, I’m the first one to say it’s a great country, but it’s a strange culture. We got a strange culture. This has got to be the only country in the world that could ever come up with a disease like Bulimia. Got to be the only country in the world where some people have no food at all and other people eat a nourishing meal and puke it up intentionally. This is a country where tobacco kills 400,000 people a year so they ban artificial sweeteners because a rat died. Know what I mean?
This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards but not a list of criminals and maniacs. And now they’re thinking about banning toy guns and the're going to keep the f***ing real ones!
This is a place where alcohol ruins more lives than cancer and everybody gets upset when some athlete gets hooked on cocaine. You know Time Magazine and Newsweek they put cocaine on the cover but they put the liquor advertisements inside the magazine.

It’s the old American double standard you know, say one thing; do something different. And of course, the country is founded on the double standard. That’s our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard. This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free so they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people and move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, give them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto… you know what the motto of this country ought to be? You give us a color we’ll wipe it out. You got it. So anyway about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified… 80 years later… the slaves are freed. Not so you’d notice it of course. Just sort of on paper and that was, of course, during the Civil War.

Now there’s another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I’ve heard one. Civil War. Do you think any country could really have a Civil War? Say pardon me. I’m awfully sorry. I’m awfully sorry. Now, of course, the Civil War has been over for about 120 years - but not so you’d really notice it. 'Cause we still have these people called Civil War buffs. People who thought it was a really keen war. And they studied the battles carefully and they try to improve other strategies and the tactics to increase the body count - in case we have to go through it again sometime. In fact some of these people actually get dressed up in uniform once a year and go out and refight these battles. You know what I say. Use live ammunition assholes would you please? You might just raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool.

But what do you expect? Hey, come on, this is a war like country; we come from that northern European, basically the northern European genes, the blue eyes. Those blue eyes. Boy everybody in the world learned real quick didn’t they? When those blue eyes sail out of the north, you better nail everything down, m**********r. Nail it down. Strap it down or their grab it if they can’t take it home, they’ll burn it. If they can’t burn it, they’ll f**k it. That’s what happened to us.

And it’s a warlike country. Come on I mean forget foreign policy. Even the domestic rhetoric is war like. Everything about our domestic policy invokes the thought of war. We don’t like something in this country we declare war on it. The war on poverty. The war on drugs. The war on crime. The war on AIDS. The war on cancer. We got the only national anthem that mentions f***ing rockets and bombs in the goddamn thing. You know what I mean? All right.

Anyway you know. Well that’s enough fantasy stuff let’s get back to the real world. Let’s check on Manny’s and see how these guys are doing. You people all right over there? Everything cool? It’s just like a Giant’s game you know? I think they’ve all been drinking intravenously. They don’t have any rectal drugs do they? That’s going to be a big advance when we have that. Soon as we have… then you can hide them and take them at the same time you know? We’ll have to come up with that.
(Stavro Arrgolus)
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