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Song Details
Rank this week: 25 (↑12)
Duration: 9:41 
Release Date: 1986  (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Lyrics By: George Carlin (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: N/A (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By: George Carlin (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Released By: Eardrum 90523-1 (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By: Dead Sea Music Inc. (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Licensing: BMI (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Song Lyrics:
I’d like to talk a little bit about sports. Sports are very big in this country. I’m a sports fan. That’s fine, thank you. Yes, I know a lot of people feel positive about sports. As I say I’m… I’m not a fanatic about sports, but I’m not a casual observer either. I was watching ESPN today for which I’m thankful by the way. All sorts of strange things they show on ESPN. Today they had some swimming that was interesting. The women’s two hundred meter breaststroke. Well I’d never have seen a woman with two hundred meter I was really interested.

Well I’ll tell you this; I’m enough of a sports fan that I suggest I have some rules changes I would like to suggest. I think they are some changes we could make in certain sports that would make them more exciting you know? Like in football, I would let all forty-five guys play at the same time. You know, what’s this s**t standing around watching the game? Get in there, put a helmet on and hurt somebody for Chrissakes, will you? You’re not getting paid to watch and never mind lining up, just grab the ball and run like a m**********r you know? Another thing I would do in football, I would leave the injured on the field. Well they’re always talking about how it’s a big war going on out there. Fine, let the Red Cross come around and pick these assholes up.

Here’s how I’d change basketball. You could make basketball a lot quicker. You know what you do? You have a two second shot clock. Soon as that ball is inbounds get that son-of-a-b***h up in the air. I didn’t come to watch a game of catch; I’m looking for a four or five hundred point ball game. I’m a fan. I want six overtimes and a thousand points on the board. Another thing I would do for basketball at the center court line for ten feet on either side of the center court line, I would have a gasoline fire. You talk about the fast break - you’d see the really fast break. Here’s another suggestion for basketball, I would allow twenty-five points for any ball that goes in the basket off another guy's head. You’d see some good fights during those close games, I’ll tell you.

And you’d increase the chance for serious injuries. That’s what I’m looking for injuries. That’s what I like about sports. I don’t care who wins these games; if I want to see winners, I’ll watch the Academy Awards. I’m looking for injuries - serious lifelong, crippling, debilitating injuries. I’m an American, give me a little violence and I’m a happy guy. Most people won’t admit that. Most people won’t admit that. They’ll say, “Well, I like the competition.” “Yeah, like Hiroshima right?” f**k the competition; I’m looking for a leg in two or three places.

Well now, getting back to how we can improve these sports and speed them up. You know baseball needs a little speeding up. You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That’s it. One swing, f**k you, you’re out, sit down, come on let’s go, come on sit down, come on, let’s go. There’s another thing to make baseball a lot faster, if the pitcher hits the batter with the ball - batter’s out. You hit twenty-seven guys, you got yourself a perfect game my friend. You get two really good accurate pitchers out there and you could be out of that ballpark in fifteen minutes. You could be home watching football on TV and see some serious goddamn injuries. One more thing for baseball. Out in the outfield, I would have a series of randomly placed landmines. “There’s Marshall settling under that ball. Boom! Holy s**t.”

Now I must explain; the only reason I mentioned baseball, basketball and football is because to my way of thinking these are really the only three sports we have. Nothing else qualifies as a sport according to me. Everything else is a game or an activity. Hockey comes to mind. People think hockey is a sport. Hockey is not a sport. Hockey is three activities going on at the same time. Ice skating, playing with a puck and beating the s**t out of somebody. Now if these guys were intelligent at all they would do these things one at a time. First you go ice-skating, then you play with the puck, then you go to the bar and beat the s**t out of somebody. The day would last a lot longer and these guys would have a whole lot more fun. Tell you another reason hockey is not a sport; it’s not played with a ball. Anything that isn’t played with a ball can’t be a sport. These are my rules - I make 'em up. Hockey is played with a puck. What is a puck? I never even heard of a puck outside of hockey. Have you ever heard of a puck? The only other place you find a puck is in the urinal to control the smell in the bathroom, all right? And as far as I’m concerned, any game where the main object is something that came out of a urinal is definitely not a sport.

Soccer, soccer is not a sport 'cause you can’t use your arms. Anything where you can’t use your arms can’t be a sport. Tap dancing isn’t a sport - I rest my case. Another thing I don’t like about soccer, they got dots on the ball. That’s a big rule of mine, no goddamn dots on the ball.

Running. People think running is a sport. Running isn’t a sport because anyone can do it. You know anything we can all do can’t be a sport. I can run; you can run. My mother can run. You don’t see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you? People say I’m going to run down to the store and buy a loaf of bread. Fine, it’s not a goddamn sport. I’m not going to pay to watch you buy a f***ing loaf of bread.

Swimming. Swimming isn’t a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s common sense! Sailing. Sailing isn’t a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding a bus isn’t a sport. Why the f**k should sailing be a sport? Boxing is not a sport. Boxing is a way to beat the s**t out of somebody. In that respect, boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey. But beating the s**t out of somebody is not a sport in spite of what the police think. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event, fine, then boxing can be a sport.

Bowling, bowling isn’t a sport cause you have to rent the shoes. Don’t forget my rules, I make them up. Billiards. Now billiards is not a sport because there’s no chance for serious injuries. Unless you welsh on a bet in a tough neighborhood. Then if you see a guy with a pool cue sticking out of his ass, you know that might be a sports related injury. But that’s not billiards, that’s pool.

And that’s starts with a ‘P’ and that rhymes with a ‘D’ and that brings me to darts. Now darts could be a sport 'cause you might put somebody’s eye out. But darts will never be sport because the whole object is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic. Lacrosse. Lacrosse is not a sport. Lacrosse is a ****** college activity. Sorry about that. That’s right. Anytime you’re standing in a field with a stick with a net on the end of it, you’re engaged in a ****** college activity. Same thing goes for field hockey and fencing. These things aren’t sports 'cause you can’t gamble on them. Anything you can’t gamble on can’t be a sport. When was the last time you made a ******’ fencing bet?

Gymnastics. Gymnastics is not a sport 'cause Romanians are good at it. Took me a long time to come up with that rule...but by God, I thought of one. Polo. Polo isn’t a sport. Polo is golf on horseback. It’s a great concept, but it’s not a sport. And water polo - I don’t even want to mention water polo 'cause it’s extremely cruel to the horses. Which brings me to hunting. You think hunting’s a sport? Ask the deer. The only thing good about hunting is the many accidents on the weekends.

Which brings me to auto racing. Now were talking serious goddamn injuries folks. I don’t know about you, but that’s what I’m looking for in motor racing. A nice crash and a car fire. I don’t care who wins these races. It’s the same five rednecks who win all the time anyway. Who gives a s**t about these people? I got to be honest with ya. Listen, I got to be honest, driving five hundred miles in a circle does not impress me. I’m looking for an accident. Let me put it this way, when else am I going to see a twenty-six car collision and not be in the goddamn thing?

Then we have tennis. Now tennis, very trendy, not a sport. Tennis is a form of ping-pong. In fact, tennis is ping-pong played while standing on the table, you know? Great idea but its not a sport. In fact, all racket games are nothing but derivatives of ping-pong. Even volleyball is racketless team ping-pong played with an inflated ball and raised net while standing on the table.

Then finally, we come to golf. Did you ever watch golf on TV? It’s like watching flies f**k. I get more excited picking out socks. Golf could be fun if you could play alone. But it’s these genetic defectives that you have to hang around with that makes it such a boring pastime. Think of the brains that it takes to play golf. Hitting a ball with a crooked stick and then...walking after it. And then... hitting it again! I say pick it up a*****e; you're lucky you found it. Put it in your pocket and go the f**k home will ya?
(Stavro Arrgolus)
Current Rating 9.0 (1 vote)
Played on 1 show:
06-28-08, #MMCZ_0056
= Show you can listen to online
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Messages about the song: "Sports"
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