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Song Details
Duration: 6:30 
Release Date: 1981  (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Lyrics By: George Carlin (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: N/A (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By: George Carlin (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Released By: Atlantic SD 19326 (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By: Dead Sea Publishing Company (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Licensing: BMI (Stavro Arrgolus) 
  • A fake game show done imitating the game show style used in the early '60s. Annoying Hammond organ music permeates the bit as was the custom at the time. The 'hook' of this bit, which by the time this album was made, was a bit hackneyed, was to introduce an uncomfortable element to early '60s television that would have never been gotten away with had it been tried- in this case, bad language. Because of the reserved, anal retentive nature of the age, a great desire to see and hear staid, square announcer types use bad language and talk about bodily functions and such was the desire of many young people watching such foolishness. So when the censors finally relented, comedy bits like this were created. Today's youth can't relate to the concept, I know, but trust your editor; at the time, all this was hilarious. (Stavro Arrgolus)
  • Song Lyrics:
    (Carlin as announcer:) Hello, America! It's time to play "a*****e, Jackoff, Scumbag!"

    Ladies and gentlemen.. This man is a rancher, he works for an oil company and he lives in Texas. Is he an a*****e, a jackoff or a scumbag?

    This man is a lawyer. He lives on Long Island and he's a US Congressman. Is he an a*****e, a jackoff or a scumbag?

    This man is a TV newscaster, he lives in the Midwest and he's a born again Christian. Is he an a*****e, a jackoff or a scumbag?

    We'll find out today as we play "a*****e, Jackoff, Scumbag!"

    Well, hello everyone, I'm Bob Barlow and it's time for another session of "a*****e, Jackoff, Scumbag". You've just met our three subjects for today, now let's meet our players. Two contestants who will try to determine from the clues we give them, whether our three subjects are.. assholes, jackoffs or scumbags!

    First of all, our champion. From Short Hairs, New Jersey, she's a mother of two and her hobby is sitting on the toilet until her legs fall asleep! Here is Ethel Schwantz!

    Bob: How are you today, Ethel?

    Ethel: Not so good, Bob. I think I'm going to start my period.

    Bob: Well, that sounds interesting. What does your husband do?

    Ethel: My husband is dead, Bob. He was crushed in a folding couch accident.

    Bob: You have any little Schwantzes around the house?

    Ethel: Yes, I have been blessed with two wonderful sons. My oldest boy, Elliot, is involved in charity work. Every weekend, he takes a hundred senior citizens out to the country and leaves them there. And my youngest son, Jules, is currently attempting to be the first man to cross the Atlantic in a gas filled douchebag.

    Bob: Well, that sounds very interesting, Ethel. Let's meet your opponent. Your challenger is from Big Thighs, New York. A man whose job is recovering stolen religious articles. His hobby is calling up the Red Cross and telling them to go f**k themselves. Meet Eddie Donneker!

    Eddie: Hi, Bob.

    Bob: Hi, Eddie. Is your wife here today?

    Eddie: No, bob. She couldn't be here. She's taking the SWAT team exam in Newark.

    Bob: Well, she sounds like quite an independent lady.

    Eddie: That's right, Bob. She once killed a man during a sports argument.

    Bob: Do you believe in women's lib?

    Eddie: Bob, she can do whatever the f**k she pleases.

    Bob: Okay, tell us, do you have any children?

    Eddie: Yes, one son, D'Artagnan, is quite a successful Mr. Potato Head salesman. Unfortunately, my other son, Winslow, a designer of custom belt loops, was sucked up into a vent this morning.

    Bob: Well, that really sounds interesting, Eddie. They sound like quite a family. Okay, it's time to play "a*****e, Jackoff, Scumbag" so, lets take a look at our prizes.

    First of all, from Larson Luggage, a complete set of portable suitcases. Yes, now you can 'take it with you'. Specially designed Larson Luggage has built-in handles! Making it completely portable. "Larson. New ideas in luggage!" And our winner will need that luggage because he or she is going on an all expense paid vacation to Dover, Delaware!

    "Dover, Delaware. The city that means well." You'll spend three days in Dover at the fabulous Fireproof Hotel. And you'll travel to Dover in... this brand new wheelchair! Yes, it's the Wilson Speedmerchant 5000! The only wheelchair with a rollbar!

    All right, players, let's meet our first candidate as a*****e, Jackoff or Scumbag! Panel, this is Wayne Critter. He's a rancher and an oil man from Texas. He smokes ground beef in his pipe and his hobby is getting in his pickup on Saturday night and running over non-whites. Ethel, you're our champion. Is Wayne Critter an a*****e, a jackoff or a scumbag?

    Ethel: Okay, Bob. It's definitely between a*****e and scumbag. Wayne, what organizations do you belong to?

    Wayne: I belong to the Junior Chamber of Commerce, the Masons and the American Legion.

    Ethel: Okay, Bob. Based on that answer, I'm going with "a*****e".

    Bob: Okay, that's one vote for "a*****e" and now, Eddie Donneker, it's your turn. What is Wayne? Is he an a*****e, a jackoff or a scumbag?

    Eddie: I can settle this real easily, Bob. Wayne, what are your favorite teams in sports?

    Wayne: Well, I like the Dodgers in baseball and the Cowboys in football.

    Eddie: Okay, I agree with Ethel, he does sound like an a*****e. But that answer leads me to only one conclusion. This guy is a jackoff. A real jackoff!

    Bob: All right, we have one vote for jackoff and one vote for a*****e; now let's find out what he really is from one person in the position to know, his wife. Let's bring her out here, Mrs. Ola Mae Critter!

    How are you, Mrs. Critter?

    Mrs. Critter: I'm fine, Bob.

    Bob: Got any little Critters running around?

    Mrs. Critter: You mean crabs?

    Bob: ..No, I mean children.

    Mrs. Critter: All our children are grown, Bob, and they all have thankless dead-end jobs with corporations.

    Bob: Well, that sounds interesting, but let's get to the main subject, your husband. As you know, our contestants have voted one vote for "jackoff" and one vote for "a*****e". This is the big moment, Ola Mae. We want you to tell us what your husband is. Is he an a*****e, a jackoff or a scumbag?

    Mrs. Critter: Well, Bob, when I first met him, he was a real jackoff. He did all kinds of crazy things. Like he'd drink a lotta beer and then **** in your hat! A real jackoff! Then after we got married, I noticed he started turnin' into an a*****e. After several years, he'd become a complete a*****e! Then he started spendin' more and more time with politicians and businessmen, Bob, and they turned him into what he is today. A complete and total scumbag!

    Bob: A scumbag! He's a scumbag! That means our first round is a draw. No score yet. We'll be back in a moment or two to break this tie on round two of "a*****e, Jackoff, Scumbag!"
    (Stavro Arrgolus)
    Current Rating 8.8 (1 vote)
    Song Images:
    Messages about the song: "a*****e, Jackoff, Scumbag"
    Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-28-10 12:56 PM  -  9 years ago
    Recent events make the lesson of this bit that much more apparent.

    If you spent too much time with businessmen and politicians, you become a complete and total scumbag!

    Words to live by.
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