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Song Details
Duration: 3:46 
Release Date: 1976  (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Lyrics By: John Cleese (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: John Cleese (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By: Nancy Lewis (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Released By: Arista AB 4076 (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By: Kay-Gee-Bee Music Ltd. (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Licensing: BMI (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Keywords: ABUSE, ARGUMENT, CITY CENTER, CONTRADICTION, LIVE, NEW YORK, SIGNATURE ROUTINE 
Reviews:
Facts:
  • Sketch from Episode 29 of Monty Python's Flying Circus (peterpuck9)
  • Song Lyrics:
    The Argument Sketch from Monty Python Live at City Center ****

    A man walks into an office.

    Man (Michael Palin): Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please.
    Receptionist (Carol Cleveland): Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?
    Man: No, this is my first time.
    Receptionist: I see, well we'll see who's free at the moment.
    Mr. Bakely's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. No.
    Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12.
    Man: Thank you.

    He enters room 12.

    Angry man (Graham Chapman): WHADDAYOU WANT?
    Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that...
    Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
    Man: What?
    A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
    M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!
    A: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!
    M: Oh! Oh I see!
    A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.
    M: Oh...Sorry...
    A: Not at all!
    A: (under his breath) stupid git.

    The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.

    Man: Is this the right room for an argument?
    Other Man (John Cleese):(pause) I've told you once.
    Man: No you haven't!
    Other Man: Yes I have.
    M: When?
    O: Just now.
    M: No you didn't!
    O: Yes I did!
    M: You didn't!
    O: I did!
    M: You didn't!
    O: I'm telling you, I did!
    M: You didn't!
    O: (breaking into the developing argument) Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
    M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.
    O: Just the five minutes. Thank you. Anyway, I did.
    M: You most certainly did not!
    O: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you!
    M: Oh no you didn't!
    O: Oh yes I did! ___
    M: Oh no you didn't! \
    O: Oh yes I did! \
    M: Oh no you didn't! \
    O: Oh yes I did! \
    M: Oh no you didn't! \
    O: Oh yes I did! \
    M: Oh no you didn't! \
    O: Oh yes I did! > very fast
    M: Oh no you didn't! /
    O: Oh yes I did! /
    M: No you DIDN'T! /
    O: Oh yes I did! /
    M: No you DIDN'T! /
    O: Oh yes I did! /
    M: No you DIDN'T! /
    O: Oh yes I did! ___/
    M: Oh look, this isn't an argument!

    (pause)

    O: Yes it is!
    M: No it isn't!

    (pause)

    M: It's just contradiction!
    O: No it isn't!
    M: It IS!
    O: It is NOT!
    M: You just contradicted me!
    O: No I didn't!
    M: You DID!
    O: No no no!
    M: You did just then!
    O: Nonsense!
    M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!

    (pause)

    O: No it isn't!
    M: Yes it is!
    (pause)
    I came here for a good argument!
    O: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an *argument*!
    M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
    O: Well! it CAN be!
    M: No it can't!
    An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a proposition.
    O: No it isn't!
    M: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.
    O: Look, if I 'argue' with you, I must take up a contrary position!
    M: Yes, but it isn't just saying, "No it isn't".
    O: Yes it is!
    M: No it isn't!
    O: Yes it is!
    M: No it isn't!
    O: Yes it is!
    M: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
    O: It is NOT!
    M: It is!
    O: Not at all!
    M: It is!

    >DING!< The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.

    O: Thank you, that's it.
    M: (stunned) What?

    O: That's it. Good morning.
    M: But I was just getting interested!
    O: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
    M: That was never five minutes!!
    O: I'm afraid it was.
    M: (leading on) No it wasn't.....

    (pause)
    O: (dirty look) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
    M: WHAT??
    O: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
    M: But that was never five minutes just now!
    (pause... the Other Man raises his eyebrows)
    Oh Come on!
    Oh this is...
    This is ridiculous!
    O: I told you...
    I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!
    M: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are.
    O: Thank you.
    M: (clears throat) Well...
    O: Well WHAT?
    M: That was never five minutes just now.
    O: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
    M: Well I just paid!
    O: No you didn't!
    M: I DID!!!
    O: YOU didn't!
    M: I DID!!!
    O: YOU didn't!
    M: I DID!!!
    O: YOU didn't!
    M: I DID!!!
    O: YOU didn't!
    M: (unable to talk straight he's so mad) I don't want to argue about it!
    O: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!
    M: Ah HAH!! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH!
    Gotcha!

    O: (pause) No you haven't!
    M: Yes I have!
    If you're arguing, I must have paid.
    O: Not necessarily.
    I *could* be arguing in my spare time.
    (Marcus Tee)
    HyperLink  
    Current Rating 9.5 (1 vote)
    Played on 1 show:
    03-21-76, #86
    Song Images:
    Messages about the song: "Argument Clinic (live)"
     
     
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