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| Song Lyrics: |
Actually, if you don't mind, I'd like to begin the show with a prayer. Well, I'm not too sure about prayer in school, but I definitely believe in prayer in comedy. Some nights...it's absolutely necessary. And this is a little prayer I wrote myself. I don't mean I wrote it to myself. I mean me, myself, personally- I wrote the goddamn prayer. And it's dedicated to the separation of church and state...
Our Father,
who art in Heaven
and to the Republic,
for which it stands
Thy Kingdom come
One Nation, indivisible,
as it is in Heaven
Give us this day
as we forgive those
who so proudly we hail
And crown thy good
into temptation
but deliver us from the twilight
Amen
(applause)
Just a little way to begin. Thank you. I appreciate that. Thanks.
I don't believe you're supposed to cheer a prayer. But we do still have time for a quick Hail Mary. (guy in crowd shouts, "Hail Mary!") Not quite that quick, sir. Those of you who are Catholic will recognize the quick Hail Mary...HAILMARFULGACEAMEN! Actually, there's a quicker version ...HAYMENN! That's the one you say when you're falling from a truck. You can get in eight or nine of 'em before you actually hit the pavement.
And now, God, my requests. I always save my requests for after the formal prayer, don't you? Sets him up.
Please, God, let me do a good show tonight
Don't let me be an a*****e
Don't let anyone shout, "Too late." (guy shouts, Tooo late!)
And punish those who do!
Let the audience enjoy my humor this evening
even to the point of their becoming physically incapacitated
Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room
Don't let me be attacked by anyone wearing a French tickler and a space helmet
Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus
and don't let me be hit by a flying turd
Help me find some shoes I really like
Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership
Don't let me catch VD from a female welder
Don't let me catch VD from a male welder!
Don't let me be kicked in the face by any really big animal
Teach the dog to respect our new carpeting
Give Barry Manilow a boil on his ass!
And if it's at all possible, God, try to make all of our sex organs even larger than you did the first time.
Well, I always like to throw in one request that everyone can get in on, too. Like to get my prayer done early in the show; get it out of the way, y'know. Like to keep my lines of communications open with the man who lives in the clouds. That's what I call him, y'know. People have different names for God all around the world. They call him Allah, Jehovah, Yahweh. I call him, "The Man Who Lives in the Clouds". Kinda keeps him on my mental level that way. I have an understanding with God. I don't understand him; He doesn't understand me. And we have a nice arrangement. I don't ask for anything I don't need; He doesn't give me anything I don't want. And we've agreed not to let his son interfere in our relationship. Y'know, so often a relative can get in the way.
So I say live and let live. That's my motto, "Live and Let Live". Anyone who can't go along with that, take 'em outside and shoot the m**********r. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.
©1984 George Carlin
(Stavro Arrgolus) |
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