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Also, I'd like to welcome a few groups we have here in the audience tonight. Perhaps you'd let us know where you're sitting...The Child Pornographer's Association? God bless the wonderful work you're doing. The United Syphilis Victims? Many of the same people. The Dirty Rotten Pricks Of America. (huge cheer) That's a proud organization and we always have a big turnout when I'm in town. The Women Who'll Sleep With Anyone... (noise from a few women) Well, not quite as many of them as I was hoping for. Those of you girls who did show up, don't forget - cast party after the show.
Now I'd also like to welcome - we have some people here tonight from some of the local homes in the area. When I say "homes", I mean those kind of places where some of us, let's face it, have to be kept. The Home For Those Who No Longer Feel Fine & Dandy. The Home For Those Who Felt All Right About A Year Ago. And The Home For Those Who Gave A s**t Up Until Yesterday Morning. And apparently we also have some people here tonight from The Center For The Visually Unpleasant. Try not to look directly at those people...unless you're equipped with the special safety glasses.
Now the only reason I mention those groups-only reason I mention those groups is 'cause those are a few of the charities I've been working for lately. I like to mention the charities I'm interested in right here at the beginning of the show. As you know, a lot of entertainers, a lot of people in show business - they want you to know the good works they're doing... PPPPPPTTTTT!!!!!
And, hey, I'm no different from the others, but unfortunately for me, most of the really big charitable organizations are already spoken for. In fact, between Danny Thomas and Jerry Lewis, about 80% of the things that make you limp or tremble are taken. What it amounts to is most of the really neat diseases are gone. So I'm forced to deal with some of the smaller organizations such as The Salvation Navy. That's a good outfit; it's hard to get people to join. Nobody really wants to sit in a rowboat with a bass drum in his lap. I'm also working for Ill Will Industries. You've heard of Goodwill; this is Ill Will. It's a little different. You give them brand new items and they break them and sell them to poor people.
I'm also helping the people at Big Brother-In-Law. Well, that's for married people who don't have a brother-in-law but really want one. And they send a man over to your house who has two days growth and no job and he sleeps on your couch for about a year. I see some of you have been helped by that program. I'm also promoting a rather novel idea - "quarter of the way" houses. Well, these are for people who can't make it in a half way house. Some people need more realistic goals, don't they?
And I'm doing everything I can as all Americans should to help fight Post Grenada Stress Syndrome. Apparently, some of these guys are startin' to have flashbacks already. They wake up in the middle of the night and they see a medical student standing on a beach with a suitcase and they ******' flip out. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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