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Song Details
Less Than Three 
By: Worm Quartet
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Rank this week: 78 (↓3)
Duration: 4:04 
Release Date: 2007  (Captain Wayne) 
Lyrics By: T. Crist (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: T. Crist (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By: Tom Rockwell (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Released By: FIDIM Interactive, LLC (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By:
Licensing: CC 
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Song Lyrics:

Less Than Three (or Paradise By The CRT Light)

Back in my college days
My love life was dry as you could get
Until that fateful day
Al Gore brought us the Internet
There was no FireFox
We didn’t even have IE
Got on the web with Lynx
And bathed in the glorious ASCII
I found an M.U.D.
Where people gathered to hang out
And b***h for hours that
Their life was nothing to talk about
I picked a username
Dubbed myself TamponSubmarine
And soon an online angel
Emoted a smiley on my screen

(instrumental whatnot)

We started talking and
Found that we had so much in common
Star Trek movies and
A steady diet of Top Ramen
She Loved my Oily Llama
At least that’s what I thought “LOL” stood for
We went to a private chat
So we could get acquainted more
I worried that my roommate
Would soon be stumbling back home
To make sure he wouldn’t disturb us
I hung a sock over the phone
Then turned back to my keyboard
To get back to my little e-flirt
And in my absence she
Had typed she’d taken off her shirt

I read her words, my mind went wild,
She looked into my eyes and smiled
At least she told me that she did
Describing every move she’d make,
each place she’d touch, each breath she’d take
Soon I was typing one-handed

Who would’ve thought I’d end my
Years of dejected loneliness
Making hot keyboard love
at 2.4 KbPS
X-rated RPG
Like Penthouse Forum crossed with Zork
My fingers trembling
As slowly we began to pork
She typed “I run my hands
“Ever so slowly up your thighs
“Caressing every inch
“As I look deep into your eyes
“My breathing quickens as
“My lips part to take you in”
I typed “I ram your face ‘til
“I bruise my nuts against your chin”

(instrumental whatnot)

We fooled around some more
‘Til an idea gave me pause
This is an online world
We’re bound by no physical laws
I typed “I summon Dig Dug
“I steal his pump and kick his ass
“And then inflate my wang
“’Til it’s the size of Mama Cass
“Then I bounce it back and forth on the floor screaming ‘BAM BAM!’ and then it births forth an army of enormous mutant sperm, each the size of a grand piano, and they look at me and hiss ‘WHAT BE THY BIDDING, MASTER?’ and I say ‘GO FORTH AND GIVE JERRY BRUCKHEIMER A DRANO ENEMA!” and they go flying off into the grayscale sunset cackling maniacally as a heavenly chorus of angels plays the theme song to ‘Coach’ on kazoo in perfect 13,000-part harmony but I can barely hear them because I’m tearing through the jungle in my laser-powered rocket canoe with Winona Ryder and a talking crime-fighting ninja chicken and we’re…

“What? No Carrier? What the hell?”

Telnetted back to the domain
And in the dark, fingered her name
But she was no longer logged in
Silently as my hard drive churned
I sat awaiting a return
But I’d never hear from her again

I never will forget that night
I caught an angel in mid-flight
And for one brief moment, she was mine
And though our time has come and gone
And though I’m sure that you’ve moved on
I’ll always <3 you, SkankLord9

©2007 Timothy F. Crist

(Stavro Arrgolus)
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