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HalfBee's Blog

Topic: Better Than Rat Tart

 
HalfBee   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-25-08 06:18 PM  -  15 years ago
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Sometimes the pigeons won't fall for our trap
Quickly grabbing the bait and away they flap
Until we used strong glue
And then caught quite a few
Because chicken prices are high, they help fill the gap

Member Comments:

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  07-02-08 08:08 AM  -  15 years ago
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LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come!

GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!

DINGO: Oh yes, let him handle us easily.

He starts pulling GALAHAD away.

GALAHAD: No, please. Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them.

DINGO: Yes, yes! He will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.

GIRLS: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...

Door slams. LAUNCELOT, CONCORDE, and GALAHAD are long gone.

DINGO: Oh....sh¡t!

Cut to outside
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  07-01-08 11:58 PM  -  15 years ago
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LAUNCELOT: You are in great peril.

DINGO: No he isn't!

LAUNCELOT: Silence! Foul temptress!

GALAHAD: Well, she's got a point.

LAUNCELOT: Come on, we'll cover your escape!

GALAHAD: Look - I'm fine!

GIRLS: Sir Galahad!

He threatens DINGO.

GALAHAD: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

GIRLS: Yes, let him tackle us single-handed!
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  07-01-08 11:27 PM  -  15 years ago
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DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

GIRLS: A spanking. A spanking. There is going to be a spanking tonight.

DINGO: And after the spanking ... the oral sex.

GIRLS: The oral sex ... The oral sex.

GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.

At this moment there is a commotion behind and SIR LAUNCELOT and
CONCORDE, plus a few others, burst into the chamber with swords
drawn and form themselves round SIR GALAHAD threatening the GIRLS
.

LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!

GALAHAD (dreamily): Oh ... hello ...
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  07-01-08 11:23 PM  -  15 years ago
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DINGO:...And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her.

GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!

DINGO: You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you
may deal with her as you like and then ... spank me.

AMAZING: And spank me!

STUNNER: And me.

LOVELY: And me.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  07-01-08 11:10 PM  -  15 years ago
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DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.

GALAHAD: Oh ... well ... excuse me.

He pushes forth but she blocks his way.

DINGO: Where are you going?

GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it - here in this castle!

DINGO (overacting): Oh, no! Oh, no! Bad ... bad Zoot!

GALAHAD: What is it?

DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to
our beacon, which - I have just remembered - is grail-shaped ...
Not the first time we've had this problem.

GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?

DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot ... Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty...
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  07-01-08 11:05 PM  -  15 years ago
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PIGLET: (matter-of-factly) There's no grail here.

GALAHAD: I have seen it! I have seen it! I have seen ...

GALAHAD hurries to the door and pushes through it. As he leaves the room, we cut to the reverse to show that he is now in a room full of GIRLIES, all innocent, wide-eyed and beautiful. They stare at him smiling,
looking him over. Harp music.


GIRLIES: Hello.

GALAHAD: Oh!

GIRLIES: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

He nods to them stiffly once or twice and then his eye catches a
particularly stunning YOUNG LADY. He visibly gulps with repressed
emotion and cannot resist saying:


GALAHAD: Zoot!
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  07-01-08 10:57 PM  -  15 years ago
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ZOOT: Oh, come come. You must try to rest. Dr. Piglet! Dr. Winston!
Practice your art!!

WINSTON: Try to relax.

GALAHAD: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?

PIGLET: We must examine you.

GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with ... that.

PIGLET (slightly irritated): Please ... we are doctors.

GALAHAD tries for a moment to relax. But as they close in on his lower armor he jumps off the bed and starts collecting his things.

GALAHAD: No, no, this cannot be. I am sworn to chastity!

PIGLET: Back to your bed! At once!

GALAHAD: Torment me no longer, I have seen the grail.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  07-01-08 10:50 PM  -  15 years ago
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ZOOT: Oh, I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
to yours. We are but eightscore young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life ...bathing ... dressing ... undressing ... making exciting underwear ...

The saintly GALAHAD reacts, then follows further. They reach the end of the corridor and enter the bedchamber. ZOOT turns.

ZOOT: We are just not used to handsome knights ...Nay, nay! Come, come, you may lie here. She notices him limping. Oh, but you are wounded!

GALAHAD: No, no, it's nothing!

ZOOT: You must see the doctors immediately. She claps to summon them. He reacts. No, no! Please. Lie down.

She almost forces him to lie on the bed as PIGLET and WINSTON enter the room. They are two equally enchanting young girls. They approach GALAHAD.

PIGLET: Well, what seems to be the trouble?

GALAHAD: (shocked) They're doctors?

ZOOT: (evasively) Ah, they have a basic medical training, yes.

He struggles. She pushes him back down.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  07-01-08 05:08 AM  -  15 years ago
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GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

ZOOT: The what?

GALAHAD: The grail, it is here?

ZOOT (evasively): Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!

MIDGET AND CRAPPER: Yes, O Zoot?

ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.

MIDGET AND CRAPPER (groveling with delight): Oh, thank you, Zoot, thank you, thank you!

ZOOT: Away! Away, varletesses!
...The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-30-08 11:07 PM  -  15 years ago
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Some rattling chainy noises come from inside with huge bolts being
drawn. The wolves' howling is very close. As the door creaks
open GALAHAD steps quickly inside.

From inside we see GALAHAD enter, wiping the rain from his eyes, and turn as the door crashes behind him. GALAHAD turns to the door reacting to the fact he is trapped. A heavenly harp riff plays.

GALAHAD turns back. We see from his POV the lovely ZOOT (Carol) standing by him smiling enchantingly and a number of young GIRLIES draped around in the seductively poulticed room. They look at him and wave.


GIRLIES: Hello!

ZOOT: Welcome, gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?

ZOOT: Yes. It's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every ... every need!
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-30-08 01:58 PM  -  15 years ago
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VOICE-OVER: The tale of Sir Galahad.

A storm is raging. We pick up GALAHAD forcing his way through brambles
and over slippery rocks. Progress is hard. He pauses and at this moment
we hear the howling of wolves. GALAHAD turns, then hurries onward even
more urgently. Another louder, closer howl is heard and GALAHAD stumbles
and falls heavily. Though obviously injured he bravely struggles
forward a little and regains his footing reacting to the pain. More
louder closer howling. He grips his sword valiantly and as he glances
around a flash of lightning reveals the silhouette of a huge terrifying
castle. Above it the lightning illuminates the ghostly shape of a glowing
chalice. The Grail? More, louder howling. He reaches the forbidding
and enormous doors of the castle and beats on the doors with the handle
of his sword, looking over his shoulder the while. Pause. He beats
again, shouting:



GALAHAD: Open the door! Open the door! In the name of King Arthur!
Open the door...

peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-29-08 10:12 PM  -  15 years ago
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Third Man: What, those two getting married... Nigel What are you doing marrying him?

Registrar: He's marrying me first, sir.

Third Man: He's engaged to me.

Fourth Man: (big and butch) Come on, Henry.

Registrar: Blimey, the wife.

Second Man: Will you marry me?

Fourth Man: I'm already married.

(Cut to a photo of all five of them standing happily outside a house.)

Voice Over: Well, things turned out all right in the end, but you musn't ask how 'cos it's naughty. They're all married and living quite well in a council estate near Dulwich.

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-29-08 10:09 PM  -  15 years ago
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Second Man: (entering) Good morning. I want to get married.

Registrar: I'm afraid I'm already marrying this gentleman, sir.

Second Man: Well, can I get married after him?

Registrar: Well, divorce isn't as quick as that, sir. Still, if you're keen.

Third Man: (entering) I want to get married, please.

Registrar: Heavens, it's my lucky day, isn't it. All right, but you'll have to wait until I've married these two, sir.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-29-08 10:06 PM  -  15 years ago
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First Man: Look, I just want you to act as registrar and marry me.

Registrar: I will marry you sir, but please make up your mind. Please don't trifle with my affections.

First Man: I'm sorry, but...

Registrar: That's all right, sir. I forgive you. Lovers' tiff. But you're not the first person to ask me today. I've turned down several people already.

First Man: Look, I'm already engaged.

Registrar: (agreeing and thinking) Yes, and I'm already married. Still we'll get round it.

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-29-08 09:54 PM  -  15 years ago
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First Man: Look, I just want you to marry me... to...

Registrar: I want to marry you too sir, but it's not as simple as that. You sure you want to get married?

First Man: Yes. I want to get married very quickly.

Registrar: Suits me, sir. Suits me.

First Man: I don't want to marry you!

Registrar: ...There is such a thing as breach of promise, sir.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-29-08 09:51 PM  -  15 years ago
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First Man: Er, no, no. I just want to get married.

Registrar: I could get a divorce, I suppose, but it'll be a bit of a wrench.

First Man: Er, no, no. That wouldn't be necessary because...

Registrar: You see, would you come to my place or should I have to come to yours, because I've just got a big mortgage.

First Man: No, no, I want to get married here.

Registrar: Oh dear. I had my heart set on a church wedding.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-29-08 09:47 PM  -  15 years ago
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Customer: (looks, pauses, goes back to the door, runs finger again) Babysitter. No, it's a babysitter. Babysitter?

Shopkeeper: Babysitter.

Customer: Babysitter - I don't want a babysitter. Be a blood donor - that's it. I'd like to give some blood please, argh! (shopkeeper shakes head) Oh spit. Which one is it? (shopkeeper slips him a card from out of his pocke) Blond prostitute will indulge in any sexual activity for four quid a week. What does that mean?

--------

(A large sign saying 'Registry Office ', 'Marriages' etc. A man is talking to the registrar.)

First Man: Er, excuse me, I want to get married.

Registrar: I'm afraid I'm already married, sir.

peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-29-08 09:38 PM  -  15 years ago
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Customer: Oh. (goes to door, runs his finger down the list of adverts) Pram for sale. Any offers. I'd like a bit of pram please.

Shopkeeper: Ah yes, sir. That's in good condition.

Customer: Oh good, I like them in good condition, eh? Eh?

Shopkeeper: Yes, here it is you see. (picks up pram)

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-27-08 07:45 PM  -  15 years ago
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Shopkeeper: Ah. You wish to buy it?

Customer: That's right. Just for the hour. Only I ain't gonna pay more'n a fiver 'cos it ain't worth it.

Shopkeeper: Well, it's come from a very good home - it's house trained.

Customer: (long think, goes to door, looks at ads again) Chest of drawers? Chest. Drawers. I'd like some chest of drawers, please.

Shopkeeper: Yes, sir.

Customer: Does it go?

Shopkeeper: Er, it's over there in the corner. (indicates a wooden chest of drawers)
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-27-08 07:25 PM  -  15 years ago
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Quite right.

Colonel: (knocking the photo aside) Right! No, I warned you, no, I warned you about the slogan, right. That's the end. Stop the programme! Stop it.

(Cut to referee blowing whistle.)

(Camera closes in on a small ad, which is one of many on the door of a small newsagent's shop. A shabby man is running an evil eye down the adverts, puzzling, looking fir something. He walks up to the counter. He has a reflex wink.)

Customer: Good morning.

Shopkeeper: Good morning, sir. Can I help you?

Customer: Help me? Yeah, I'll say you can help me.

Shopkeeper: Yes, sir?

Customer: I come about your advert - 'Small white pussy cat for sale. Excellent condition'.





Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-27-08 05:08 PM  -  15 years ago
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Before, we were doing the 'Crackpot Religions' sequence from Ep. 24. Then Pete made a reference to a character from Ep. 4 that fit in with a running gag in that show, so rather than start that whole sketch, I jumped in at the point in the show where the character fits in with the gag- someone misuses the Army slogan "It's a Man's Life in the Modern Army", and the 'Colonel' gets mad and stops it. For those playing along at home, all this is from the end of Ep. 4- "Owl Stretching Time."
Bob Guest   Offline  -  Artist  -  06-27-08 10:24 AM  -  15 years ago
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Perhaps they're making it up as they go along.
MarlinsGirl   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-27-08 08:13 AM  -  15 years ago
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Stupid Question, which Monty Python sketch is this?

Terri M.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-27-08 07:34 AM  -  15 years ago
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(Cut to photo of Arthur Lemming, with superimposed caption on screen: 'LEMMING OF THE BDA' Over this we hear a song.)

Song: Lemming, Lemming ... Lemming of the BDA .. Lemming, Lemming ... Lemming of the BD ...Lemming of the BD ... BD, BDA.

Voice Over: and Caption on Screen: 'IT'S A MAN'S LIFE IN THE BRITISH DENTAL ASSOCIATION'
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-26-08 11:21 PM  -  15 years ago
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( ANIMATION: a vicar by Terry Gilliam)
(CAPTION: 'CARTOON RELIGIONS LTD')


Voice: In our Church we believe first and foremost in you. (smiles; the top of his head comes off and the Devil tries to climb out; the vicar replaces his head) We want you to think of us as your friend. (devil tries to climb out again; the vicar nails the top of his head on)

Lemming of the BDA should have had a look at those guys with the big teeth.



Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-26-08 11:16 PM  -  15 years ago
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(Cut to wide-boy Pope, with small mustache and kipper tie. A sign says: 'No Questions Asked Religion '.)

Bill: In our Church we try to help people to help themselves - to cars, washing machines, lead piping, no questions asked. We are the only Church, apart from the Baptists, to do re-spray jobs.

(Cut to looney with a fright wig and an axe in his head. A sign says: 'The Lunatic Religion '.)

Ali Byan: We the Church of the Divine Loony believe in the power of prayer to turn the head purple! Ha, ha, ha.

(Cut to a normal looking priest. A sign says: 'The Most Popular Religion Ltd'.)

Priest: I would like to come in here for a moment if I may, and disassociate our Church from these frivolous and offensive religions. We are primarily concerned with what is best... (phone rings; he answers it) Hello. Oh, well how about Allied Breweries? All right, but keep the Rio Tinto (puts phone down) ... for the human soul.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-26-08 11:09 PM  -  15 years ago
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(Cut to John Lennon)

Lennon: I'm starting a war for peace.

(Cut to Ken Shabby.)
(SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ARCHBISHOP SHABBY')


Shabby: Cor blimey. I'm raising polecats for peace.

(Cut to Arthur Nudge.)
(SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ARCHBISHOP NUDGE')


Nudge: Peace? I like a peace. Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Say no more. Nudge, nudge.

(Cut to a bishop. A sign on the wall says 'Naughty Religion '.)

Bishop: Our religion is the first Church to cater for the naughty type of person. If you'd like a bit of love-your-neighbour - and who doesn't now and again - then see Vera and Ciceley during the hymns.

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-26-08 10:08 PM  -  15 years ago
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(Photo of Aussie bishop with beer can
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: (THE ARCHBISHOP OF AUSTRALIA'
)

Crackpot's Voice: Brucie has personally converted ninety-two people twenty-five inside the distance. Then again we're not afraid to use more modern methods.

(Cut to 'Daily Mirror' type pin-up of a bikinied lovely in a silly pose on a beach with a bishop's mitre and Bible. A large headline reads: 'North See Gas'. A subheading says 'Bishop Sarah', then below that, this blurb which is also read voice over:)

Voice Over: Sarah, today's diocesan lovely is enough to make any chap go down on his knees. This twenty-three-year-old bishop hails appropriately enough from Bishop's Stortford and lists her hobbies as swimming, riding and film producers. What a gas! Bet she's no novice when it comes to converting all in her See.

(Cut to Gumby in street.)
(SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ARCHBISHOP GUMBY')

Gumby: (shouting laboriously) Basically, I believe in peace...and bashing two bricks together. (bashes bricks together)
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-26-08 02:05 PM  -  15 years ago
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Crackpot: A lot of religions - no names no pack drill - do go for the poorer type of person - face it, there's more of 'era - poor people, thieves, villains, poor people without no money at all - well we don't have none of that tat. Rich people and crumpet over sixteen can enter free: upper middle class quite welcome; lower middle class not under five grand a year. Lower class - I can't touch it. There's no return on it, you see.

(Pull back to show interviewer sitting at his side.)

Interviewer: Do you have any difficulty converting people?

Crackpot: Oh no, well we have ways of making them join.

(Cut to a photo of a bishops)
(SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: "THE BISHOP OF DULWICH')


Crackpot's Voice: Norman there does a lot of converting: a lot of protection, that sort of thing. And there's his mate, Bruce Beer.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-26-08 01:25 AM  -  15 years ago
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Priest: (he has a pepperpot with him) Oh, Mrs. Collins, you did say you were nervous, didn't you? You have eyes on the coffee machine?

Mrs. Collins: I don't mind, I don't mind - it's just nice to be here, Reverend.

Priest: (slaps her) Archdeacon! You asked for the coffee machine ... so lets see what you've won? You chose Hymn no. 437. (goes to hymn board, removes one of the numbers, and reads what's on the back) Oh, Mrs Collins, you had eyes on the coffee machine. Well you have won tonight's star prize: the entire Norwich City Council.

(Organ music, oohs and applause from audience.)

Mrs. Collins: I've got one already. (the priest starts to throttle her)

peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-26-08 01:20 AM  -  15 years ago
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(Curtains go up to reveal the council. Terrific 'ooh' from an audience. Bad organ chords played by a nude man).

Crackpot: And remember with only eight scoring draws you can win a bishopric in a see of your own choice. You see we have a much more' modern approach to religion.

(Cut to a person in church. They are walkning past a pillar. They take out some money and put it in a collecting box. A sign on the box says 'For the rich'. We hear the money going in, then it moves off, along pipes, falling down; eventually it tomes down a small pipe and lands with a tinkle in Crackpot's ashtray. Ht tries the money with his teeth, pops it into his pocket, and finishes reading...)

Crackpot: Blessed is Arthur Crackpot and all his subsidiaries Ltd. You see, in our Church we have a lot more fun.

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-26-08 01:17 AM  -  15 years ago
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(Camera pulls back to reveal other city gents also with only heads and bowlers visible who say 'quite agree'. Camera pulls back further to reveal an elderly couple sitting in deckchairs.)

Man: I think it must be a naturalist outing.

Woman: I think it must be one of them crackpot religions...

Cut to Arthur Crackpot sitting at a large curved desk on the front of which a sign says 'Crackpot Religions Ltd.' Arthur Crackpot President and God (Ltd)'.

Crackpot: This is an example of the sort of abuse we get all the time from ignorant people. I inherited this religion from my father, an ex-used-car salesman and part-time window-box and I am very proud to be in charge of the first religion with free gifts. You get this luxury tea-trolley with every new enrollment. (pictures of this and the subsequent gifts) In addition to this you can win a three-piece lounge suite, this luxury caravan, a weekend for two with Peter Bonetti and tonight's star prize, the entire Norwich City Council.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-26-08 01:12 AM  -  15 years ago
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Third City Gent: I certainly wouldn't say that I was stuck in a rut.

Fourth City Gent: Well l've been in the city for thirty years and I've never once regretted being a nasty, greedy, cold hearted, avaricious, money-grubber ... Conservative.

Fifth City Gent: Well I've been in the city for twenty-seven years and I would like to see the reintroduction of flogging. Every Thursday, round at my place.

Man: (whose head only is visible above the level of the sea) Well I've been in the sea for thirty-three years and I've never regretted it.

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-26-08 01:10 AM  -  15 years ago
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First City Gent: Well, I've been in the city for over forty years and I think the importance of looking after poor people cannot be understressed.

Second City Gent: Well, I've been in the city for twenty years and I must admit - I'm lost.

An Old Gramophone: Well, I've been in the city all my life and I'm as alert and active as I've ever been.

Third City Gent: Well, I've been in the city since I was two and I certainly wouldn't say that I was stuck in a rut... stuck in a rut ... stuck in a rut... stuck in a rut...

Woman: Oh dear, Mr Bulstrode's stuck again.

(She runs over and gives him a shove.)
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-26-08 01:08 AM  -  15 years ago
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(Back to interview set. Curry is sitting practically upside down, trying to drink water with much difficulty)

Padget: Martin Curry, thank you. Well. We asked the first-night audience what they thought of that film.

Man With Enormous Ears: It wasn't true to life.

Man With Enormous Teeth: Yes it was.

Man With Enormous Nose: No it wasn't.

Madly Dressed Man: I thought it was totally bizarre.



Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-26-08 01:06 AM  -  15 years ago
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Nelson: Cover my coat, Mr. Bush, the men must not know of this 'till victory is ours.

Toad: The surgeon's coming, sir.

Nelson: No, tell the surgeon to attend the men that can be saved. He can do little for me, I fear.

Toad: Aye, aye, sir.

Nelson: Hardy! Hardy!

Hardy: Sir?

Nelson: Hardy... kiss... er ... put your hand on my thigh.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-26-08 01:00 AM  -  15 years ago
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Curry: What do you mean?

Padget: Well, I mean, er... and even in your biblical epic, 'The Son of Man', John the Baptist had the most enormous ... dental appendages ... and of course ... himself had the most monumental ivories.

Curry: No, I'm afraid I don't see that at all. (picks up glass of water but can't get it to his mouth) Could I have a straw?

Padget: Oh, a straw, yes, yes. Well while we're doing that perhaps we could take another look at an earlier film, 'Trafalgar'.

(Between decks. Nelson lying among others. They all have enormous teeth.)

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-26-08 12:56 AM  -  15 years ago
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(Film: interior of a tent; generals around a table.)

Labienus: (with relatively enormous front teeth) Shall I order the cavalry that they may hide themselves in the wood, O Caesar?

All: (with very large front teeth) Thus O Caesar.

Julius: (with amazingly large front teeth) Today is about to be a triumph for our native country.

(Back to interview set.)

Padget: Martin Curry, why do all your characters have these very big, er ... very big um ... teeth?
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-26-08 12:53 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Curry: Yes.

Padget: When I saw your film it did seem to me that you had taken a rather, urn, subjective approach to it.

Curry: I'm sorry?

Padget: Well, I mean all your main characters had these enormous ... well not enormous, these very big ... well let's have a look at a clip in which Julius Incisor .... Caesar talks to his generals during the baffle against Caractacus.

Curry: I don't see that at all.

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-26-08 12:30 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
(Cut to late-night line-up setting. Interviewer and interviewee.)

Padget: Martin Curry, welcome. One of the big teeth... big points that the American critics made about your latest film, 'The Twelve Caesars', was that it was on so all-embracing a topic. What made you undertake so enormous a tusk... task?

(We now see that his interviewee has two enormous front teeth.)

Curry: Well, I've always been interested in Imperial Rome from Julius Caesar right through to Vethpathian.

Padget: Who?

Curry: Vethpathian.

Padget: Ah! Vespasian
fm123   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-26-08 12:26 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
( Cut to man at desk.)

Man: Gavin Millar...

(Cut to another man.)

Another Man: ... rrrrrrr...

(Cut to first man.)

Man: ... was not talking to Neville Shunt. From the world of the theatre we turn to the world of dental hygiene. No, no, no, no. From the world of the theatre we mru to the silver screen. We honour one of the silver screen's outstanding writer-dentists... writer-directors, Martin Curry who is visiting London to have a tooth out, for the pre-molar, er... premiere of his filling, film next Toothday... Tuesday, at the Dental Theatre...
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-26-08 12:25 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Some people have made the mistake of seeing Shunt's work as a load of rubbish about railway timetables, but clever people like me, who talk loudly in restaurants, see this as a deliberate ambiguity, a plea for understanding in a mechanized world. The points are frozen, the beast is dead. What is the difference? What indeed is the point? The point is frozen, the beast is late out of Paddington. The point is taken. If La Fontaine's elk would spurn Tom Jones the engine must be our head, the dining car our esophagus, the guard's van our left lung, the cattle truck our shins, the first-class compartment the piece of skin at the nape of the neck and the level crossing an electric elk called Simon. The clarity is devastating. But where is the ambiguity? It's over there in a box. Shunt is saying the 8:15 from Gillingham when in reality he means the 8:13 from Gillingham. The train is the same only the time is altered. Ecce homo, ergo elk. La Fontaine knew his sister and knew her bloody well. The point is taken, the beast is moulting, the fluff gets up your nose. The illusion is complete; it is reality, the reality is illusion and the ambiguity is the only truth. But is the truth, as Hitchcock observes, in the box? No there isn't room, the ambiguity has put on weight. The point is taken, the elk is dead, the beast stops at Swindon, Chabrol stops at nothing, I'm having treatment and La Fontaine can get knotted.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-26-08 12:24 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Voice Over: That was an excerpt from the latest West End hit 'It all happened on the 11.20 from Hainault to Redhill via Horsham and Reigate, calling at Carshalton Beeches, Malmesbury, Tooting Bec, and Croydon West'. The author is Mr. Neville Shunt.

(Shunt sitting among mass of railway junk, at typewriter, typing away madly.)

Shunt: (typing and making train sounds) Chuff, chuff, chuffwoooooch, woooooch! Sssssssss, sssssssss! Diddledum, diddledum, diddlealum. Toot, toot. The train now standing at platform eight, tch, tch, tch, diddledum, diddledum. Chuffff chuffffiTff eeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaa Vooooommmmm.

(Cut to an critic. Superimposed caption: 'GAVIN MILLARRRRRRRRRR')
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-26-08 12:22 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
(Cut to stage, house manager walks out in front of tabs. He is a very nice young man)

House Manager: Ladies and gentlemen. Before the play starts, I would like to apologize to you all, but unfortunately Miss Cicely Courtneidge is unable to appear, owing to...

(He is suddenly struck in the chest by first one arrow and then another. He crumbles to the ground revealing half a dozen in his back. The air is filled with war-whoops and drum beats and screams.)

Oh well. I always liked Neville Shunt better anyway....

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-26-08 12:19 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Man: (visibly relieved) I think he's about to start now, thank God for that.

(They both look towards stage. The overture starts.)

Indian: (leaning across) Paleface like eat chocolate? (proffers box)

Man: No, thank you very much.

Indian: (helping himself) Hmmm - crunchy frog - heap good.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-26-08 12:15 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Indian: Yes. Redfoot tribe live by acting and hunting.

Man: You don't fight any more?

Indian: Yes! Redfoot make war! When Chief Yellow Snake was leader, and Mighty Eagle was in land of forefather, we fight Pawnee at Oxbow Crossing. When Pawnee steal our rehearsal copies of 'Reluctant Debutante' we kill fifty Pawnee - houses heap full every night. Heap good publicity.

(The lights start to dim. Auditorium chatter subsides.)

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-26-08 12:06 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Man: Oh - I don't know him myself.

Indian: Him say Leatherhead Rep like do play with Redfoot tribe.

Man: Oh, that's good...

Indian: We do 'Dial M for Murder'. Chief Running Elk - him kill buffalo with bare hands, run thousand paces when the sun is high - him play Chief Inspector Hardy - heap good fine actor.

Man: You do a lot of acting, do you?

peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-25-08 11:58 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Indian: My father - Chief Running Stag - leader of mighty Redfoot tribe - him heap keen on Michael Denison and Dulcie Gray.

Man: (unwillingly drawn in) Do you go to the theatre a lot?

Indian: When moon high over prairie ... when wolf howl over mountain, when mighty wind roar through Yellow Valley, we go Leatherhead Rep - block booking, upper circle - whole tribe get it on 3/6d each.

Man: That's very good.

Indian: Stage Manager, Stan Wilson, heap good friend Redfoot tribe. After show we go pow-wow speakum with director, Sandy Camp, in snug bar of Bell and Compasses. Him mighty fine director. Him heap famous.

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-25-08 11:53 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Yes, yes, she's marvelous.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-25-08 11:45 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Me heap big fan Cicely Courtneidge.....She fine actress ... she make interpretation heap subtle ... she heap good diction and timing ... she make part really live for Indian brave.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-25-08 11:39 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Yes, they are. I hear Cicely Courtneidge loved those.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  06-25-08 11:24 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
That was years ago. They changed to domestic frogs now. Heap good!
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  06-25-08 07:06 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Make sure no one poisoned them when you get them from the park. After a hearty pigeon repast, some nice chocolates would go down well. Maybe a few 'cockroach cluster', 'anthrax ripple' or even 'spring surprise', but stay away from the 'crunchy frog' as they use frogs flown in from Iraq. Can't tell what's in those these days. They might be 'suicide frogs' and end up filling your mouth with an 'explosion of flavor'. Those'll do more than pierce both cheeks.

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