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HalfBee's Blog

Topic: No one expected a kind of Spanish Inquisition

 
HalfBee   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-19-08 03:06 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
President Bush got to have a private meeting
Over at St. Marks there was no extra seating
Packed into the bleachers
Enjoying the Mass's features
Dispite the lack of branding and beating

Member Comments:

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  08-06-09 08:02 AM  -  14 years ago
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Must be fake because if we're talking about Scotsmen here, the indentations for the naughty dangly parts would have to be much bigger.
MarlinsGirl   Offline  -  Participant  -  08-06-09 08:00 AM  -  14 years ago
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please tell me the Scottish bar stool is fake.

Terri M.
fm123   Offline  -  Participant  -  08-05-09 11:21 PM  -  14 years ago
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Speaking of Kilts:



Stavro Arrgolus:
---
(A doctor's head appears out from under the kilt.)

Doctor: Look, would you mind going away, I'm trying to examine this man. (he goes back under the kilt; a slight pause; he re-emerges) It's - er - it's all right ...I am a doctor. Actually, I'm a gynecologist... but this is my lunch hour.

(A living room. Doorbell rings. Lady opens the door, a milkman stands there.)

Milkman: Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake baker's man. Good morning madam, I'm a psychiatrist.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-27-08 12:17 AM  -  15 years ago
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Assistant: No, no, we were the tops then. Drake got all his sailors here. Elizabeth, we supplied the archbishops for her coronation. Shakespeare started off from here as a temp. Then came James the First and the bottom fell out of the Tudor jobs. 1603 - 800 vacancies filled, 1604 - 40, 1605 - none, 1606 - none. The rest of the Stuart period nothing. Hanoverians nothing. Victorians nothing. Saxe-Coburgs nothing. Windsors... what did you want?

Customer: Dirty books, please.

Assistant: Right. (produces selection of mags from under counter) Sorry about the Tudor bit, but you can't be too careful, you know. Have a look through these.

Customer: Have you got anything a bit... er...

Assistant: A bit stronger?

Customer: Yes.

Assistant: Hold on ... a... My Lord of Warwick!

Second Assistant: (off camera) 'Allo!

Assistant: Raise high the drawbridge. Gloucester's troops approach.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-26-08 11:43 PM  -  15 years ago
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Customer: That can't be very profitable, can it?

Assistant: Well, you'd be surprised, actually sir. The Tudor economy's booming, ever since Sir Humphrey Gilbert opened up the North- west passage to Cathay, and the Cabots' expansion in Canada, there's been a tremendous surge in exports, and trade with the Holy Roman Empire is going... no, quite right, it's no good at all.

Customer: What?

Assistant: It's a dead loss. We haven't put anyone in a job since 1625.

Customer: I see.

Assistant: That's all?

Customer: What?

Assistant: That's all you say?

Customer: Yes.

fm123   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-26-08 11:10 PM  -  15 years ago
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(Outside a shop. A sign reads 'Tuder Job Agency -Jobs a Speciality '. A man enters the shop. Inside it is decorated in Tudor style. The assistant is in Tudor dress.)

Assistant: Morning, sir, can I help you?

Customer: Yes, yes... I wondered if you have any part-time vacancies on your books..

Assistant: Part-time, I'll have a look, sir. (he gets out a book and looks through it) Let me look now. We've got, ah yes, Sir Walter Raleigh is equipping another expedition to Virginia; he needs traders and sailors. Vittlers needed at:the Court of Philip of Spain, oh, yes, and they want master joiners and craftsmen for the building of the Globe Theatre.

Customer: I see. Have you anything a bit more modern, you know, like a job on the buses, or digging the underground?

Assistant: Oh no, we only have Tudor jobs.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-25-08 01:56 PM  -  15 years ago
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Burke: Well the pictures are a bit sporadic... I think probably... the solar radiation during the long journey to Algon... (their screen goes blank) Oi! Look! Oh dear, I'm sorry we've lost contact. We'll try and re-establish contact with Algon...

(Cut to presenter's-type chair. Mr. Badger from earlier in the episode [Eric Idle] appears at side of screen)

Badger: Hello... The BBC have offered me the sum of forty pence to read the credits of this show. (sits) Personally, I thought they should have held out for the full seventy-five, but the BBC have explained to me about their financial difficulties and ... er ... I decided to accept the reduced offer... so ... the show was conceived, written and performed by... the usual lot... (theme song is heard) Also appearing were Carol Cleveland, Marie Anderson, Mrs. Idle, Make-up - Madelaine Gaffney, Costumes - Hazel Pethig, Animations by Terry Gilliam, Visual Effects Designer - Bernard Wilkie, Graphics - Bob Blagden, Film Cameraman - Alan Featherstone, Film Editor - Ray Millichope, Sound - Richard Chubb, Lighting - Bill Bailey, Designer - Bob Berk, Produced by Ian MacNaughton for 92p and a bottle of Bells whiskey ... it was a BBC colour production. That's just it. I'd like to say if there are any BBC producers looking in who need people to read the credits for them, I would personally...

(camera pulls out to reveal the sixteen-ton weight poised above him. As the picture fades the weight falls on him)
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-25-08 01:46 PM  -  15 years ago
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Professor: Oh naughtier and naughtier.

SUPERIMPOSED TELEPRINTER CAPTION: 'NO BANANAS ON ALGON'

Burke: Well so much for that ... But of course, the probe itself has excited a great deal of interest... for it contains uranium-based dual transmission cells entirely re-charged by solar radiation, which can take off a bra and panties in less than fifteen seconds. It is, of course, the first piece of space hardware to be specially designed to undress ladies, and so there are bound to be some teething troubles ... such as how to cope with the combination of elastic-sided boots and tights.

(He produces the bottom half of a tailor's dummy wearing boots and tights with panties over the tights halfway down. On the screen behind, more dim indecipherable TV pictures from Algon.)

Burke: But I think we're getting some pictures now from Algon itself, and it looks as though ... yes! The satellite has found a bird! The probe has struck crumpet and she looks pretty good too! Professor?

Professor: Ja - she's a real honey!

(All we see on the screen is a blurred female figure.)
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-25-08 11:26 AM  -  15 years ago
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(Cut to James M Burke)

Burke: Of course the big question that everyone's asking here is, what about those split-crotch panties? Are they going to be unobtainable throughout the Universe or merely on Algon itself? Professor?

(Cut to a professor sitting beside a contour model of an area of Algon. It has a little model of the probe marking where it has landed)

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'PROFESSOR HERMAN KHAN, DIRECTOR OF THE INSTITUTE OF SPLIT-CROTCH PANTIES'

Professor: We must remember that Algon is over 75,000 miles wide. The probe comes down to this area here and we're really only getting signals from a radius of only thirty or forty miles around the probe. Split-crotch panties, or indeed any items of what we scientists call 'Sexy Underwear' or 'Erotic Lingerie' may be much more plentiful on other parts of the planet.

Burke: Professor, you were responsible for finding Scanty-Panties and Golden Goddess High-Lift Bras on planets which were never thought able to sustain life and now that man has discovered a new galaxy, do you think we're going to see underwear become even naughtier?
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-25-08 01:28 AM  -  15 years ago
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M'Burke: Well, our computers have been working all day to analyse the dramatic information that's come in from this first ever intergalactic probe, Algon... I ... (suddenly very excited as he hears something over his earphone) ... and we're just getting an interesting development now, which is that attachments for rotary mowers - that is mowers that have a central circular blade - are... relatively inexpensive! Stir in the region 'of nine m ten million pounds, but it does seem to indicate that Algon might be a very good planet for those with larger gardens ... or perhaps even an orchard that's been left for two years, needs some heavy work, some weeding... (very, indistinct piaures start to come through on the screen behind him) But we're now getting some live pictures through from Algon! Harry - Perhaps you could talk us through them.

(Cut into pictures from Algon.)

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'LIVE FROM ALGON'

(Very fuzzy pictures of the Algon landscape. Panning and tracking shots hand held.)

Harry: (voice over) Very little evidence of shopping facilities here .. there don't seem to be any large supermarkets. There may be some on-the-comer grocery stores behind those rocks, but it's difficult m tell from this angle. It does seem to suggest that most of the shopping here is by direct mail.

SUPERIMPOSED TELEPRINTER CAPTION: DIGESTIVE BISCUITS; £8,OOO,OOO PER PACKET'

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-25-08 01:18 AM  -  15 years ago
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(A strange moonlike landscape. Eerie science-fiction music plays in the background)

Voice Over: This is the planet Algon, fifth world in the system of Aldebaran, the Red Giant in the constellation of Sagittarius. Here an ordinary cup of drinking chocolate costs four million pounds, an immersion heater for the hot-water tank costs over six billion pounds. and a pair of split-crotch panties would be almost unobtainable. (cut to a cheap budget-day-type graphic, with a picture of the product and the price alongside) A simple rear window de-misting device for an 1100 costs eight thousand million billion pounds and a new element for an electric kettle like this (picture of electric kettle) would cost as much as the entire gross national product of the United States of America from 1770 to the year 2000, (graphic of American GNP) and even then they wouldn't be able to afford the small fixing ring which attaches it to the kettle. (graphic of an electric kettle showing all the separate pieces detached from each other, arrow points to the fixing ring)

(Cut to James M Burke sitting at a desk. 'Algon I' motifs everywhere. Another expert stands by a model of the planet, and there is a panel of experts at a long desk who are all obviously dummies. Everyone has one of those single earphones)
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-25-08 01:09 AM  -  15 years ago
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(Dim mimes window cleaning movements in a sor of a dance routine. The rest of the court sings the chorus again with him. When they finish counsel enthusiastically takes over but this time the court all sit and watch him as though he has gone completely mad.)

Counsel: (Singing)
If I were not before the bar
Something else I'd like to be
If I were not a barr-is-ter
An engine driver me!
With a chuffchuffchuff etc.

(He, makes engine miming movements. A few seconds he sees that the rest of the court are staring at him in amazement and he loses momentum rapidly. After he stops a knight in armor walks up to the counsel and hits him with a raw chicken.)
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-25-08 12:42 AM  -  15 years ago
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Dim: It's all in a day's work.

Judge: With a brilliant mind like yours, Dim, you could be something other than a policeman.

Dim: Yes.

Judge: What?

(Piano starts playing)

Dim: (sings)
If I were not in the CID
Something else I'd like to be
If I were not in the CID
A window cleaner, me!
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
And a rub-a-dub all day long
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
I'd sing this merry song!
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-25-08 12:39 AM  -  15 years ago
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Cardinal: That is correct.

Dim: Ah ha! He fell for my little trap.

(Court applauds and the Cardinal looks dismayed.)

Cardinal: Curse you Inspector Dim. You are too clever for us naughty people.

Dim: And furthermore I suggest that you are none other than Ron Higgins, professional Cardinal Richelieu impersonator.

Cardinal: It's a fair cop.

Counsel: My you're clever Dim. He'd certainly taken me in.

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-25-08 12:33 AM  -  15 years ago
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(Enter Inspector Dim [Graham Chapman again])

Dim: Not so fast!

Prisoner: Why not?

Dim: (momentarily thrown) None of your smart answers ... you think you're so clever. Well, I'm Dim.

(A caption appears on the screen 'DIM OF THE YARD')

Everyone: Dim! Consternation and uproar!

Dim: Yes, and I've a few questions I'd like to ask Cardinal so-called Richelieu.

Cardinal: Bonjour, Monsieur Dim.

Dim: So-called Cardinal, I put it to you that you died in December 1642.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-25-08 12:25 AM  -  15 years ago
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Counsel: And did you take even sterner measures against the great Catholic nobles who made common cause with foreign foes in defence of their feudal independence?

Cardinal: I sure did that thing.

Counsel: Cardinal. Are you acquainted with the defendant, Harold Latch?

Cardinal: Since I was so high (indicated how high).

Counsel: Speaking as a Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church, as First Minister of Louis XIII, and as one of the architects of the modern world already - would you say that Harold Larch was a man of good character?

Cardinal: Listen. Harry is a very wonderful human being.

Counsel: M'lud. In view of the impeccable nature of this character witness may I plead for clemency.

Judge: Oh but it's only thirty shillings.

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-25-08 12:23 AM  -  15 years ago
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Cardinal [Michael Palin]: 'Allo everyone, it's wonderful to be 'ere y'know, I just love your country. London is so beautiful at this time of year.

Counsel: Er, you are Cardinal Armand du Piessis de Richelieu, First Minister of Louis XIII?

Cardinal: Oui.

Counsel: Cardinal, would it be fair to say that you not only built up the centralized monarchy in France but also perpetuated the religious schism in Europe?

Cardinal: (modestly) That's what they say.

Counsel: Did you persecute the Huguenots?

Cardinal: Oui.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-25-08 12:18 AM  -  15 years ago
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Judge: Mr Bartlett, your client has already pleaded guilty to the parking offence.

Counsel: Parking offence, schmarking offence, m'lud. We must leave no stone unturned. Call Cardinal Richelieu.

Judge: Oh, you're just trying to string this case out. Cardinal Richelieu?

Counsel: A character witness m'lud.

(Fanfare of trumpets. Cardinal Richelieu enters witness box in beautiful robes.)
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-25-08 12:08 AM  -  15 years ago
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Counsel: That will become apparent in one moment m'lud. (walking over to coffin) Mr Aidridge are you considering the question or are you just dead? (silence) I think I'd better take a look m'lud. (he opens the coffin and looks inside) No further questions m'lud.

Judge: What do you mean, no further questions? You can't just dump a dead body in my court and say 'no further questions'. I demand an explanation.

Counsel: There are no easy answers in this case m'lud.

Judge: I think you haven't got the slightest idea what this case is about.

Counsel: M'lud the strange, damnable, almost diabolic threads of this extraordinary tangled web of intrigue will shortly m'lud reveal a plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous ...
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-25-08 12:02 AM  -  15 years ago
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Judge: But if he's not dead, what's he doing in a coffin?

Counsel: Oh, it's purely a precaution m'lud - if I may continue? Mr Aidridge, you were a... you are a stockbroker of xo Savundra Close, Wimbledon. (from the coffin comes a bang) Mr Aidridge...

Judge: What was that knock?

Counsel: It means 'yes' m'lud. One knock for 'yes', and two knocks for 'no'. If I may continue? Mr Aidridge, would it be fair to say that you are not at all well? (from the coffin comes a bang) In fact Mr Aldridge, not to put too fine a point on it, would you be prepared to say that you are, as it were, what is generally known as, in a manner of speaking, 'dead'? (silence,' counsel listens;) Mr Aidridge I put it to you that you are dead. (silence) Ah ha!

Judge: Where is all this leading us?

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-24-08 11:21 PM  -  15 years ago
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Judge: Mr. Bartlett, do you think there is any relevance in questioning the deceased?

Counsel: I beg your pardon m'lud.

Judge: Well, I mean, your witness is dead.

Counsel: Yes, m'lud. Er, well, er, virtually, m'lud.

Judge: He's not completely dead?

Counsel: No, he's not completely dead m'lud. No. But he's not at all well.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-24-08 11:11 PM  -  15 years ago
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Judge: Mr Bartlett, I fail to see the relevance of your last witness.

Counsel: My next witness will explain that if m'ludship will allow. I call the late Arthur Aidridge.

Clerk of the Court: The late Arthur Aidridge.

Judge: The late Arthur Aidridge?

Counsel: Yes m'lud.

(A coffin is brought into the court and laid across the witness box.)

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-24-08 01:10 AM  -  15 years ago
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Mrs. Lewis [Graham Chapman]: (taking bible) I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so anyway...I said to her, I said, they can't afford that on what he earns, I mean for a start the feathers get up your nose, I ask you, four and six a pound and him with a wooden leg, I don't know how she puts up with it after all the trouble she's had with her you-know-what. Anyway, it was a white wedding much to everyone's surprise, of course they bought everything on the hire purchase, I think they ought to send them back where they came from, I mean you've got to be cruel to be kind so Mrs Harris said, so she said, she said, she said, a dead crab? She said, she said. Well, her sister's gone to Rhodesia what with her womb and all, and her youngest, her youngest as thin as a filing cabinet, and the goldfish, the goldfish they've got whooping cough; they keep spitting water all over their Bratbys, well, they do, don't they, I mean you can't, can you, I mean they're not even married or anything, they're not even divorced, and he's in the KGB if you ask me, he says he's a tree surgeon but I don't like the sound of his liver, all that squeaking and banging every night till the small hours, his mother's been much better since she had her head off, yes she has, I said, don't you talk to me about bladders, I said...

(While Mrs. Lewis was talking, Counsel was trying to interrupt and ask questions. Eventually he gives up and she is pushed out of court still talking)
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-24-08 01:06 AM  -  15 years ago
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Judge: It's only a bloody parking offence.

Counsel walks into court.

Counsel: I'm sorry I'm late m'lud I couldn't find a kosher car park. Er... don't bother to recap m'lud, I'll pick it up as we go along. Call Mrs Fiona Lewis.

(Mrs Lewis walks into the court and gets up into the witness box.)

Clerk of the Court: Call Mrs Fiona Lewis.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-24-08 12:57 AM  -  15 years ago
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(Cut to film of a Scotsman [John Cleese] riding up on a home. He looks around, puzzled.
Cut to stock film of Women's Institute audience applauding. Cut to the man with two noses [Graham Chapman]; he puts a handkerchief to his elbow and we hear the sound of a nose being blown.
Cut to Women's Institute audience applauding.
Cut to cartoon of a flying sheep
)

Voice Over: Harold! Come back, Harold! Harold! Come back, Harold! Oh, blast!

(The sheep is shot down by a cannon. Cut to film of an audience of Indian ladies not applauding)

----

(Scene : A Courtroom with a Judge [Terry Jones] and a prisoner [Eric Idle] in the dock.)

Judge: Mr. Larch, you heard the case for the prosecution. Is there anything you wish to say before I pass sentence?

Prisoner: Well... I'd just like to say, m'lud, I've got a family... a wife and six kids... and I hope very much you don't have to take away my freedom... because... well, because m'lud, freedom is a state much prized within the realm of civilized society. (slips into Olivier impression) It is a bond wherewith the savage man may charm the outward hatchments of his soul and soothe the troubled breast into a magnitude of quiet. It is most precious as a blessed balm, the savior of princes, the harbinger of happiness, yea, the very stuff and pith of all we hold most dear. What frees the prisoner in his lonely tree, chained within the bondage of rude walls, far from the owl of Thebes? What fires and stirs the woodcock in his spring or wakes the drowsy apricot betides? What goddess doth the storm toss'd mariner offer her most tempestuous prayers to? Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-24-08 12:34 AM  -  15 years ago
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Man: ....And now for something completely different ... a man with three buttocks...

Mum and Dad: (from upstairs) We've done that!

(The man looks up slightly disconcerted.)

Man: Oh all right. All right! A man with nine legs.

Voice Off: He ran away.

Man: Oh... Bloody Hell! Er ... a Scotsman on a horse!

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-24-08 12:30 AM  -  15 years ago
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(Repeat same clip from Boniface entering)

Dr. Cream: Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter?

Boniface: I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu...

(Repeat clip again. Superimposed Credits)

Dr. Cream: Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter?

Boniface: I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu...

(Clip starts to repeat again as the program [Ep. 16] ends)
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-24-08 12:24 AM  -  15 years ago
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(.. and the secretary at her desk, past a sign saying 'to the zoo' where explosions are heard, and stops outside Dr Cream's building... Boniface runs into building and enters Dr Cream's office.)

Dr Cream: Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter?

Boniface: I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu.

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-24-08 12:19 AM  -  15 years ago
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Milkman: Oi, haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Boniface: No, doctor, no. Something very funny's happening to me.

(Caption on the screen: 'IT'S THE MIND -- A WEEKLY MAGAZINE OF THINGS PSYCHIATRIC' Cut to montage of photographs again with captions and music. Cut to Boniface at desk. Boniface screams and runs out of shot. Cut to same piece of film as just previously, when he chases float, leaps on and the milkman says:)

Milkman: Oi, haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Boniface: No, doctor, no. Something very funny's happening to me.

(The milk float goes past in the background with the milkman and Boniface on it. We see the float go along the country lane past the clearing, past the bishop...)

Bishop: (camp) 'Oh, Mr Belpit, your legs are so swollen'.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-23-08 11:50 PM  -  15 years ago
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Boniface: Good evening. Tonight on 'It's the Mind' we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we someti... mes get ... that ... we've lived through something...

(Cut to opening titles again. Back then to Boniface, now very shaken. Caption on screen: 'IT'S THE MIND')

Boniface: Good ... good evening. Tonight on 'It's the Mind' we examine the phenomenon of dddddddddddéjà vvvvvvvvuu, that extraordinary feeling... quite extraordinary... (he tails off, goes quiet, the phone rings, he picks it up) No, fine thanks, fine. (he rings off, a man comes in on the right and hands him glass of water and leaves) Oh, thank you. That strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before. (phone rings again; he picks it up) No, fine thank you. Fine. (he rings off a man comes in from right and hands him a glass of water; he jumps) ... Thank you. That strange feeling ... (phone rings; he answers) No. Fine, thank you. Fine, (ring off; a man enters and gives him glass of water) thank you. (he screams with fear) Look, something's happening to me. I - I - urn, I think I'd better go and see someone. Goodnight.

(Phone rings again. He leaps from desk and runs out of shot. He runs out of building into street and chases after passing milk float and leaps aboard.)

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-23-08 08:18 PM  -  15 years ago
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(Caption on the screen: 'IT'S THE MIND -- A WEEKLY MAGAZINE OF THINGS PSYCHIATRIC' Cut to montage of photographs again with captions and music. Cut to a man sitting at usual desk- Mr. Boniface [Michael Palin])

Boniface: Good evening. Tonight on 'It's the Mind', we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu. That strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before, that what is happening now has already happened. Tonight on 'It's the Mind' we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we sometimes get that we've ... (looks puzzled for a moment) Anyway, tonight on 'It's the Mind' we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange...

(Cut to same opening title sequence with montage of psychiatric photos and the two captions and music over. Cut back to Mr. Boniface at desk, shaken. Caption on screen: 'IT'S THE MIND')
fm123   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-23-08 08:05 PM  -  15 years ago
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Milkmaid: Mrs. Pim to see you, Dr. Cream.

Dr. Cream: Ah yes. I just want another five minutes with Audrey. Could you show Mrs. Pim into the waiting room, please.

Milkmaid: Yes, doctor.

(As milkmaid and Mrs. Pim leave the room we see that there is a cow on the couch.)

Dr. Cream: Right, Audrey. When did you first start thinking you were a 'cow?

(Milkmaid and Mrs. Pim emerge bin building through a herd of cows and we then have a montage of shots of them walking through countryside as in opening sequence of flying lesson sketch at beginning of show.

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-23-08 06:45 PM  -  15 years ago
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Milkman: Nurse! Would you take Mrs. Pim to see Dr. Cream, please.

Milkmaid: Certainly, doctor. Walk this way, please.

Lady: Oh, if I could walk that way I...

Milkman and Milkmaid: Sssssh!

(The milkmaid leads Mrs. Pim into a building, and into a psychiatrist's office. Dr. Cream is in a chair)
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-23-08 06:37 PM  -  15 years ago
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(Cut to BALPA man.)

BALPA Man: However, I would just like to add a complaint about shows that have too many complaints in them as they get very tedious for the average viewer.

(Cut to another man.)

Another man: I'd like to complain about people who hold things up by complaining about people complaining. It's about time something was done about it. (the sixteen-ton weight falls on him)

(Cut to a street with milkman and lady riding on milk float. It comes to a halt. They get out, milkman hails a milkmaid with yoke and two pails.)

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-23-08 01:56 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
(Cut to BALPA man)

BALPA Man: These are not British Psychiatric Association Dinner Dance Club cuff-links...

(Cut to man)

Man: Sorry.

(Cut to BALPA man)

BALPA Man: They are in fact British Sugar Corporation Gilbert-and-Sullivan Society cuff-links. It is in fact a sort of in-joke with us lads here at BALPA. I think the last speaker should have checked his facts before making his own rash complaint.

(Cut to Dr. Cream)

Dr Cream: Yes, that'll teach him.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-23-08 01:47 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
(Cut back to man.)

Man: Not necessarily, however, I would like to point out that the BALPA spokesman was wearing the British Psychiatric Association Dinner Dance Club cuff-links.

(Cut to Dr Cream.)

Dr Cream: Oh yes, I noticed that too.

(Cut to BALPA man.)

BALPA Man: These are not British Psychiatric Association Dinner Dance Club cuff-links.

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-23-08 12:45 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Milkman: (handing over yogurt) Mind you, that's just a pat diagnosis made without first obtaining your full medical history.

(Cut to man at desk)

Man: I feel the time has come to complain about people who make rash complaints without first making sure that those complaints are justified.

(Cut to Dr. Cream)

Dr Cream: Are you referring to me?
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-23-08 12:40 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Doctor: Yes, yes, I see. And a pot of yogurt, please.

(Cut to a psychiatrist called Dr Cream in his office.)

Dr Cream: I would like to take this opportunity of complaining about the way in which these shows are continually portraying psychiatrists who make pat diagnoses of patients' problems without first obtaining their full medical history.

(Cut back to milkman with doctor.)

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-23-08 12:37 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Doctor: Yes, but I am a doctor. Actually, I'm a gynecologist but that was my lunch hour.

Milkman: (taking a card out of crate and showing it to the doctor) What does this remind you of?.

Doctor: Two pints of cream.

Milkman: Right... well I should definitely say you're suffering from a severe personality disorder, sir, sublimating itself in a lactic obsession which could get worse depending on how much money you've got.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-23-08 12:27 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Doctor: Jersey Cream Psychiatrists.

Milkman: Oh yes, I know them. (puts down crate and gets out note pad) Right, well, er, what's your job, then?

Doctor: I'm a doctor.

Milkman: ... Didn't I see you just now under a Scotsman?
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-22-08 11:49 PM  -  15 years ago
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Milkman: They're case histories. (drives off; the van 3 speaker announces: 'Psychiatrist! Psychiatrist!' The doctor from the Scots sketch hails him) Yes, sir?

Doctor: Ah, good morning. I'm afraid our regular psychiatrist hasn't come round this morning...and I've got an ego block which is in turn making my wife ever-assertive and getting us both into a state of depressive neurosis.

Milkman: Oh, I see, sir. Who's your regular, sir?
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-22-08 11:47 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Lady: All right.

(The milkman and lady walk down her garden path. As they go out of the garden gate there is a cat on the garden wall. Caption on screen and arrow: 'A CAT' The cat explodes. The milkman motions her towards the milk float with a large signboard which reads: 'Psychiatrist3 Dairy Lid'. Just as they are getting in, she points to all the files in the back in milk crates.)

Lady: What are those?

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-22-08 11:41 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Milkman: Mrs. Ratbag, if you don't mind me saying so, you are badly in need of an expensive course of psychiatric treatment. Now I'm not going to say a trip to our dairy will cure you, but it will give hundreds of lower-paid workers a good laugh.

Lady: All right...but how am I going to get home?

Milkman: I'll run you there and back on my psychiatrist's float.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-22-08 11:39 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Lady: You are a bloody milkman.

Milkman: Don't you shout at me, madam, don't come that tone. Now then, I must ask you to accompany me down to the dairy and do some aptitude tests.

Lady: I've got better things to do than come down to the dairy!

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-22-08 11:37 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Milkman: Yogurt?

Lady: Er... no.

Milkman: Cream?

Lady: No.

Milkman: Eggs?

Lady: No.

Milkman: (does some adding up and whistling) Right. Well, you're quite clearly suffering from a repressive libido complex, probably the product of an unhappy childhood, coupled with acute insecurity in adolescence which has resulted in an attenuation of the libido complex.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-22-08 11:23 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Lady: They're all number three?

Milkman: No. They're all number three. (he ticks his board again) Right. Now. I'm going to say a word, and I want you to say the first thing that comes into your head. How many pints do you want?

Lady: (narrowing her eyes, suspecting a trap) Er, three?

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-22-08 11:22 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Milkman: Now then, madam. I'm going to show you three numbers, and I want you to tell me if you see any similarity between them. (holds up a card saying '3' three times)

Lady: They're all number three.

Milkman: No. Try again.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-22-08 11:20 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Lady: You look like a milkman to me.

Milkman: Good. (ticks form on his clipboard) I am in fact dressed as a milkman... you spotted that - well done.

Lady: Go away.

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-22-08 02:04 PM  -  15 years ago
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(A doctor's head appears out from under the kilt.)

Doctor: Look, would you mind going away, I'm trying to examine this man. (he goes back under the kilt; a slight pause; he re-emerges) It's - er - it's all right ...I am a doctor. Actually, I'm a gynecologist... but this is my lunch hour.

(A living room. Doorbell rings. Lady opens the door, a milkman stands there.)

Milkman: Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake baker's man. Good morning madam, I'm a psychiatrist.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-22-08 01:51 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
McTeagle: (voice over) Oh give to me a shillin' for some fags and I'll pay yet back on Thursday, but if you wait till Saturday I'm expecting a divvy from the Harpenden Building Society... (continues muttering indistinctly)

(He walks out of shot past a glen containing several stuffed animals, one of which explodes. A highland spokesman stands up into shot. Superimposed caption on screen: 'A HIGHLAND SPOKESMAN')

Highlander: As a Highlander I would like to complain about some inaccuracies in the preceding film about the poet Ewan McTeagle. Although his name was quite clearly given as McTeagle, he was throughout wearing the Cameron tartan. Also I would like to point out that the BALPA spokesman who complained about aeronautical inaccuracies was himself wearing a captain's hat, whereas he only had lieutenant's stripes on the sleeves of his jacket. Also, in the Inverness pantomime last Christmas, the part of Puss in Boots was played by a native of New Guinea with a plate in her hp, so that every time Dick Whittington gave her a French kiss, he got the back of his throat scraped.

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-22-08 12:34 AM  -  15 years ago
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(Cut to remote Scottish landscape, craggy and wind torn and desolate. In stark chiaroscuro against the sky we see McTeagle standing beside a lonely pillar box, writing postcards. The sun is setting behind him.)

Limbo: (voice over) There seems to be no end to McTeagle's poetic invention. 'My new check book hasn't arrived' was followed up by the brilliantly allegorical 'What's twenty quid to the bloody Midland Bank?' and more recently his prize winning poem to the Arts Council: 'Can you lend me one thousand quid?'

(Cut to David Mercer figure in his study at a desk. Caption on screen: 'A VERY GOOD PLAYWRIGHT')

David: I think what McTeagle's pottery... er... poetry is doing is rejoining all the traditional cliches of modern pottery. No longer do we have to be content with Keats's 'Seasons of mists and mellow fruitfulness', Wordsworth's 'I wandered lonely as a cloud' and Milton's 'Can you lend us two bob till Tuesday'...
fm123   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-22-08 12:29 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Limbo: (intensely) Since then, McTeagle has developed and widened his literary scope. Three years ago he concerned himself with quite small sums - quick bits of ready cash: sixpences, shillings, but more recently he has turned his extraordinary literary perception to much larger sums - fifteen shillings, £4. I2.6d ... even nine guineas ... But there is still nothing to match the huge sweep ... the majestic power of what is surely his greatest work: 'Can I have fifty pounds to mend the shed?'.

(Pan across studio to a stark poetry-reading set. A single light falls on an Ian McKellan figure in black leotard standing gazing dramatically into space. Camera crabs across studio until it is right underneath him. He speaks the lines with great intensity.)

Ian: Can I have £50 to mend the shed? I'm fight on my uppers. I can pay you back When this postal order comes from Australia. Honestly. Hope the bladder trouble's getting better. Love, Ewan.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-22-08 12:28 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Interviewer: Could you read us one?

Lassie: Och, I dinna like to... they were kinda personal... but I will.

(she has immediately a piece of paper in her hand from which she reads) 'To Ma Own beloved Lassie. A poem on her 17th Birthday. Lend us a couple of bob till Thursday. I'm absolutely skint. But I'm expecting a postal order and I can pay you back as soon as it comes. Love, Ewan.'

(There is a pause. She looks up.)

Sound Man: (voice over) Beautiful.

(Another pause. The soundman leaps on her and pulls her to the ground. Cut to abstract trendy arts poetry programme set. Intense critic sits on enormous inflatable see-through pouffe. Caption on screen: 'ST JOHN LIMBO -- POETRY EXPERT')
fm123   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-22-08 12:25 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
(Cut to crofter's cottage. McTeagle sits at the window writing. We zoom in very slowly on him us he writes.)

Voice Over: But it was with more simple, homespun verses that McTeagle's unique style first flowered.

McTeagle: (voice over) If you could see your way to lending me sixpence. I could at least buy a newspaper. That's not much to ask anyone.

Voice Over: One woman who remembers McTeagle as a young friend - Lassie O'Shen.

(Cut to Lassie O'Shen - a young sweet innocent Scots girl - she is valiantly trying to fend off the sexual advances of the sound man. Two other members of the crew pull him out of shot.)

Lassie: Mr MeTeagle wrote me two poems, between the months of January and April 1969...
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-22-08 12:20 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
(Camera pans away revealing a rather rocky highland landscape. We hear Scottish music.)

Voice Over: From these glens and scars, the sound of the coot and the moorhen is seldom absent. Nature sits in stern mastery over these rocks and crags. The rush of the mountain stream, the bleat of the sheep, and the broad, clear Highland skies, reflected in turn and loch ... (at this moment we pick up a highland gentleman in kilt and tam o'shanter clutching a knobkerry in one hand and a letter in the other)... form a breathtaking backdrop against which Ewan McTeagle writes such poems as 'Lend us a quid till the end of the week'.
fm123   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-22-08 12:16 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
First Business Man: Bring back hanging and go into rope.

Second Business Man: I would cut off the more disreputable parts of the body and use the space for playing fields.

Man In Cap: I would tax holiday snaps.

(Freeze frame.)
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-22-08 12:14 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Man In Bowler Hat: To boost the British economy I'd tax all foreigners living abroad.

Man In Suit: I would tax the nude in my bed. No - not tax. What is the word.~ Oh - welcome.

It's Man: I would tax Racquel Welch. I've a feeling she'd tax me.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-22-08 12:11 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Politician: (winks) Thingy!

Second Official: Ah...thingy. Well, it'll certainly make chartered accountancy a much more interesting job.

Cut from videotape to quick film clips.

Gumby: (standing in water) I would put a tax on all people who stand in water... (looks round him) ...Oh!
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-22-08 12:07 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Third Official: No, no, no - thingy.

Second Official: Number ones?

Third Official: No, thingy.

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-22-08 12:05 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Politician: Good Lord, you're not suggesting we should tax...thingy?

First Official: Poo poo's?

Third Official: No.

First Official: Thank God for that. Excuse me for a moment. (leaves)
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-22-08 12:00 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Third Official: Well most things we do for pleasure nowadays are taxed, except one.

Politician: What do you mean?

Third Official: Well, er, smoking's been taxed, drinking's been taxed but not ... thingy.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-21-08 11:57 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Politician: Yes?
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-21-08 11:54 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Second Official: I understood that.

Third Official: If I might put my head on the chopping block so you can kick it around a bit, sir...
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-21-08 11:53 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Politician: Bravo, Madge. Well done. Taxation is indeed the very hub of my gist. Gentlemen, we have to find something new to tax.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-21-08 11:52 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
First Official: I think he's talking about taxation
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-21-08 11:41 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
And I confess, Gentlemen, our MP saw the PM this AM and the PM wants more LSD from the PIB by tomorrow AM or PM at the latest. I told the PM's PPS that AM was NVG, so tomorrow PM it is for the PM it is nero. con. Give us a fag or I'll go spare. (lights cigarette) Now- the fiscal deficit with regard to the monetary balance, the current financial year excluding invisible exports, but adjusted of course, for seasonal variations and the incremental statistics of the fiscal and revenue arrangements for the forthcoming annual budgetary period terminating in April.
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-21-08 11:37 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Biggles: I confess!
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-21-08 11:27 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Ximenez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! CONFESS! CONFESS!
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-21-08 11:22 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-21-08 11:21 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Ximenez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!

(They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair)

Ximenez: (with a cruel leer) Now- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. (aside, to Biggles) Is that really all it is?
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-21-08 11:17 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Fang: (terrified) The...Comfy Chair?

(Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one)

Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-21-08 11:07 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Ximenez: Hm! (quickly hurling the cushions off camera) She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!

(JARRING CHORD - Zoom into Fang's horrified face)
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-21-08 10:47 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-21-08 10:05 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Ximenez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
MarlinsGirl   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-21-08 09:42 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, my lord.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-21-08 08:33 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Ximenez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!

(Biggles pathetically jabs the old lady a few times with the cushions)

Ximenez: Confess! Confess! Confess!
MarlinsGirl   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-21-08 08:27 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Dear Old Lady: I don't know what you're talking about.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-21-08 08:12 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Ximenez: Now, old lady - you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly - two last chances. And you shall be free -- three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
MarlinsGirl   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-21-08 08:10 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Biggles: Here you are, Lord.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-21-08 07:56 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Ximenez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!

(JARRING CHORD - Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)
MarlinsGirl   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-21-08 07:40 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Dear Old Lady: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-21-08 07:14 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
(Torchlit dungeon. We hear clanging footsteps. Shadows on the Grille. The footsteps stop and keys jangle. The great door creaks open and Ximenez walks in and looks round approvingly. Fang and Biggles enter behind pushing in the dear old lady. They chain her to the wall.)

Ximenez: Now, old woman! You are accused of heresy on three counts. Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed and heresy by action. Four counts. Do you confess?
peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-21-08 06:03 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
IN THE EARLY YEARS OF THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY, TO COMBAT THE RISING TIDE OF RELIGIOUS UNORTHODOXY, THE POPE GAVE CARDINAL XIMINEZ OF SPAIN LEAVE TO MOVE WITHOUT LET OR HINDRANCE THROUGHOUT THE LAND, IN A REIGN OF VIOLENCE, TERROR AND TORTURE THAT MAKES A SMASHING FILM. THIS WAS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-20-08 04:28 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
It's "with an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope in nice red uniforms". Of course, if they actually start wearing uniforms, red or otherwise, it's time to get suspicious. We don't need to go through that again. And if you're an altar boy, just run like hell...in a zigzag pattern...and be sure not to bend over. Ever.
Bob Guest   Offline  -  Artist  -  04-20-08 03:03 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
Is that "fanatical devotion" to himself???


but I bet a German pope also operates with "ruthless efficiency" and a lot of "fanatical devotion".
fm123   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-20-08 11:30 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
En español:

Presidente Bush consiguió tener una reunión privada encima en las marcas del St. allí no era ningún asiento adicional embalado en los blanqueadores que gozaba de las características Dispite de la masa la carencia de calificar y de batir
MarlinsGirl   Offline  -  Participant  -  04-20-08 07:27 AM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition in this blog.

Terri M.
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  04-19-08 11:35 PM  -  15 years ago
fiogf49gjkf0d
I'm sure we all know the details of the explanation of the whole Nazi thing by now. Despite all that, hearing a pope with a German accent still elicits "surprise and fear- fear and surprise" but I bet a German pope also operates with "ruthless efficiency" and a lot of "fanatical devotion".

As for Bush, he needs to be put in a not so comfy chair and prodded with something other than soft cushions and be made to confess. It would also help to shout a bit. Confess...Confess...CONFESS...CONFESS!!!!

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